IELTS writing task 2. Please correct!

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic.

"Prevention is better than cure."

Out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

You should write at least 250 words.

You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.
(IELTS Cambridge 2. Page 52)

Diseases need to be cured. People cannot deny this, but treatment would be miserable if we just focused on treatment without being aware of the origins of diseases. Many people nowadays are more concerned about their health, and as a result a new idea arising is that money should be allocated more to health education and preventive measures than to therapies. I agree to some extent.

First of all, sicknesses do not occur spontaneously. They have reasons behind, so disease is a process including pathogenesis, delitescence and manifestation of it. Usually, medicine is practised only after the manifestation of the disease, and this is normally very difficult to be successful. Being proactive and taking the initiative seems a more easy and efficient approach to treatment. In particular, lifestyles could be changed in order to prevent some unexpected diseases. For example, lung cancer is definitely a chronic illness and hard to cure, but if smokers try to change their lifestyle – that is, if they stop or gradually give up smoking – this would be simpler, although probably not effortless, to avoid lung cancer. Therefore, the society ought to heighten public awareness of unwholesome lifestyles, such as smoking or unsafe sex. This would help lessen unfortunate sicknesses among the community.

Nevertheless, this is not always the case. There are still some diseases that people can hardly hinder, no matter what methods are applied. In some cases, diseases are not the matter of lifestyle and they are not simple to trace the origins. For instance, skin cancer, an illness which is popular in Western countries, is the result of the exposure to the sun for a long time; or pilots are often affected by radiation and some of them become infertile, as a consequence. The reasons behind these diseases possibly are their jobs’ requirement, which they cannot refuse to do. In such situations, money should be spent to treat the illnesses.

In summary, as the saying goes, ‘prevention is better than cure’. This is somehow valid in most cases which we can trace the origins of diseases or which we can predict illnesses. Therefore, although more money should be spent on health education and some preventative measures, a large amount of money still ought to be allocated to treatment.