[Essay] Could you help me revise my IELTS essay?

[cherry88cn]

　As most people spend a major part of their adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of individual well-being.
　　What are the factors that contribute to job satisfaction? How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?



Job, which is definitely essential for human beings, is often considered as the major part of our lives. Undoubtedly, every one wants to be successful in the career. In other words, job satisfaction is the goal of most job owners. But how can we achieve a content job? I will analyse how we can get there as well as the possibility for everybody to be satisfied with their jobs.

As is known to all, most people around us are always complaining about their jobs, like the circumstances of working and the colleagues. How can these be totally changed? To start with, common senses lead us to the point: the winner takes it all. We must endeavor to be a qualified candidate for a top job, which is dreaming by many individuals. Besides, basic to any understanding of the most important feature of satisfaction is easy to be satisfied. Regardless of your desire, often you have little chance to become a billionaire. The same reason can be explained in this issue. So, just be realistic and recognize you are not strong enough to win every war. Additionally, try your best to make friends with your colleagues and even your boss. Knowledgeable and clever as you may be, you cannot get everything down without teamwork. By contrast, the warm and delighted surroundings would contribute to your effective work.

Nevertheless, not all workers can be glad with their jobs at this moment as current market economy cannot permit every company survive or progress. Not all workers can be happy until every economic subject can be successful. Sadly, actually, in this financial crisis, most of the firms are suffering. As a result, the salary for workers was decreased, the job ax leads a vast number of people lose their jobs, let alone job satisfaction. All in all, the expectation of job satisfaction is impossible to meet, at least at this stage of economic development, it is the problem we all have to face.

[Raymott]

Originally Posted by cherry88cn

　
A job, which is definitely essential for human beings, is often considered as the major part of our lives. Undoubtedly, every one wants to be successful in their career. In other words, job satisfaction is the a goal of most job owners.
No, being successful and having job satisfaction are two different things. So you can't say that one is "in other words" the other.

But how can we achieve a content job contentment? I will analyse how we can get there [That wasn't the question] as well as the possibility for everybody to be satisfied with their jobs.

As is known to all, most people around us are always complaining about their jobs, like the circumstances of working and their colleagues. How can these be totally changed? What does 'these' refer to?
To start with, common senses leads us to the point: the winner takes it all. We must endeavor to be a qualified candidate for a top job, which is dreaming by a dream of many individuals. Besides, basic to any understanding of the most important feature of satisfaction is the ease with which one is satisfied. Regardless of your desire, often you have little chance to become a billionaire. The same reason can be explained in this issue.[What does this mean? What reason? What issue?] So, just be realistic and recognize you are not strong enough to win every war. Additionally, try your best to make friends with your colleagues and even your boss. Knowledgeable and clever as you may be, you cannot get everything down without teamwork. By contrast,[where/what is the contrast?] the warm and delightful surroundings would contribute to your effective work.

Nevertheless, not all workers can be glad with their jobs at this moment as the current market economy cannot permit every company to survive or progress. Not all workers can be happy until every economic subject can be successful. Sadly, actually, in this financial crisis, most of the firms are suffering. As a result, the salary for workers was has decreased, the job ax leads a vast number of people to lose their jobs, let alone allowing for job satisfaction. All in all, the expectation of job satisfaction is impossible to meet, at least at this stage of economic development: it is the a problem we all have to face.

You can say "Work is essential", but not "Job is essential".
'Common sense' is a non-count noun.
You have tried to use a lot of adverbial phrases (Besides, in other words, by contrast, nevertheless). This is good, but not all of them make sense in the context.

Make sure you answer the question/s asked.
1. What are the factors that contribute to job satisfaction?
I think you have side-stepped this question, and instead, have answered What should people do to achieve job satisfaction?
You have advised people to make friends with their colleagues etc., but an answer to the question asked would be: "an ability to make friends with colleagues", or "friendly colleagues". There is no reason to use "you" at all. The question does not ask you to give advice.
You have explicitly given two factors that contribute to job satisfaction: the overall ease with which a person is satisfied generally; and warm and delightful surroundings.
Do you see the difference?

2. How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?
You've answered this alright.

[cherry88cn]

Thank you so much for your advice. It helps me a lot....
I really appreciate what you have done.