IELTS writing task 2. Correct my essay, please!
I would be grateful to anyone who corrects this essay.
"Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic.
Popular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence."
(IELTS Cambridge 3. Page 28)
For a long time, sport, especially team sport, has been believed to be able to teach people to work together besides bringing out the best in them. Discrimination and political tensions among nations have also been a strained issue that is still not eased today. Sporting events for athletes from different countries to participate in are an opportunity to encourage cooperation between nations and also a good chance for competitors to show their loyalty towards their countries.
To begin with, places in which international sporting occasions take place are formal settings where rules and regulations of equality, racism or discrimination are brought into play. In these events, people can have a right to sing their nations’ anthems freely, which may not be easy in some places. In a football match, for example, the only purpose of the athletes is to bring honour to their nation; which clearly shows their patriotic emotions. In a similar way, as many people claim, that success in sport is a source of national pride. Indeed, once defeating in a game, one may be proud of their victory and aware of their contribution to their countries as well, and they would be more patriotic, as a result.
In addition, competitions between clubs, where different people from different countries and races join together in one team and help each other to win, are a good environment to strengthen the bond between people. In such games, solidarity has a chance to be convincingly demonstrated. For example, both a member of Real Madrid, but Cristiano Ronaldo is from Portugal, while Kaka is from Brazil. In this way, they have become good friends and have been playing well together at halfback.
In summary, international tensions due to disparities between races and nationalities seem to be hard to tackle, and up to now, sporting competitions have proved to be doing well on a mission to relieve the problem. Additionally, by participating in sporting games, athletes have an opportunity to display their loyalty to their nations.
Re: IELTS writing task 2. Correct my essay, please!
Quote:
Originally Posted by
ngtuankhai 
I would be grateful to anyone who corrects this essay.
"Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic.
Popular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence."
(IELTS Cambridge 3. Page 28)
For a long time, sport, especially it seems a small point but it would be useful to include 'international' because of the question team sport, has been believed is believed ? to be able to teach people to work together, besides bringing out the best in them. Discrimination and political tensions among nations have also been a strained issue that is still not completely eased today. Sporting events for athletes from different countries to participate in are an opportunity to encourage cooperation between nations and also a good chance for competitors to show their loyalty towards their countries. You have clearly stated your position - good.
To begin with, places in which international sporting occasions take place are formal settings where rules and regulations of equality, racism or discrimination are brought into play. In these events, people can have a right to sing their nations’ anthems freely, which may not be easy in some places. In a football match, for example, the only purpose of the athletes is to bring honour to their nation; use a comma here, the next part is not a clause which clearly shows their patriotic emotions. In a similar way, as many people claim, that success in sport is a source of national pride. Indeed, once defeating in a game a team has exprienced victory'defeating isn't used as a noun, one they may be proud of their victory this and aware of their contribution to their countries as well, A new sentence would help the fluency here. and they would be more patriotic, as a result.
In addition, competitions between clubs, where different people from different countries and races join together in one team and help each other to win, are a good environment to strengthen the bond between people. In such games, solidarity has a chance to be convincingly demonstrated. For example, both a member of Real Madrid, but Cristiano Ronaldo is from Portugal, while Kaka is from Brazil both Cristiano Ronaldo from Portugal, and Kaka from Brazil, are members of Real Madrid - a Spanish team. In this way, they have become good friends and have been playing well together at halfback. An extra sentence here about the effect of this international coming together would finish off the paragraph nicely.
In summary, international tensions due to disparities between races and nationalities seem to be hard to tackle, and up to now, sporting competitions have proved to be doing well on a mission to relieve the problem. Additionally, by participating in sporting games, athletes have an opportunity to display their loyalty to their nations.
You have a good range of vocabulary and you have remembered to answer the question which is so important. Apart from the sentence with 'defeating' and the reference to Ronaldo and Kaka, your sentences are well written. Great! I should add that I am not an examiner, nor have I received this kind of training but I do tutor students who are taking this kind of exam. I hope my comments are of some benefit at least.
Re: IELTS writing task 2. Correct my essay, please!
Thank you so much Mr./Ms.Csheywood!
I must say that I appreciate what you've done for me so much. You have pointed out a lot of points I need to improve.
I hope you wouldn't mind helping me with my essays in the future, just in two weeks' time since I'm going to take the IELTS exam on 25th July.
Re: IELTS writing task 2. Correct my essay, please!
Quote:
Originally Posted by
ngtuankhai Thank you so much Mr./Ms.Csheywood!
I must say that I appreciate what you've done for me so much. You have pointed out a lot of points I need to improve.
I hope you wouldn't mind helping me with my essays in the future, just in two weeks' time since I'm going to take the IELTS exam on 25th July.
You are very welcome. I am learning Romanian and the most difficult part is phrasing to sound natural. I will try to look out for any essays you post in the future. Good luck - you are on the right track and you have the skills.
