[Essay] Plz.Can you help me correct my essaay?

[cherry88cn]

Some people think that universities should provide graduates with the knowledge and skills needed in the workplace. Others think that the true function of a university should be to give access to knowledge for its own sake, regardless of whether the course is useful to an employer.
What, in your opinion, should be the main function of a university?

In contemporary society, the higher education is so prevalent and, to some extent, fundamentally changed our societies. But meanwhile, whether the colleges should focus on knowledge itself or knowledge in the work has sparked enormous controversy. Those people, who insist that jobs are final stages, claim that universities should provide the knowledge linked to the workplace. On the other hand, those, who say we should respect knowledge itself, believe that the pure education is the best. For my part, I vote for the latter one as it sounds to me to be more reasonable.

It is generally accepted that the people who graduated from universities are armed with knowledge. To begin with, what we can obtain from our colleges is much more than skills, we are able to fully recognize ourselves as well as the societies. If the colleges become job-oriented, the thoughts of the students would definitely change. Besides, another critical factor behind my position is that only the pure education can provide us with high-quality knowledge. Human beings change education to wealth, yet, aiming at money we cannot show students the core of knowledge. Additionally, common sense leads us to the point: it is our future that we really care about, we cannot afford to lose the skills to create a better future. Only when we understand the true genius of education can we further develop a brighter tomorrow.

Undeniably, I would concede the graduates must find jobs later in their lives. It is due to the fact that everybody needs money to raise the family. Nevertheless, I believe once they can learn about the true knowledge, they can be qualified to find positions. Obviously, the knowledge itself does not exclude a job.

To sum up, the graduated students may want a perfect work place, however, taken all these factors into consideration, I am convinced that the schools should always concentrate on the knowledge-based education.

[Raymott]

Originally Posted by cherry88cn

In contemporary society, the higher education is so prevalent and, to some extent, fundamentally changed our societies. But meanwhile, whether the colleges should focus on knowledge itself or knowledge in the workplace has sparked enormous controversy. Those people, who insist that jobs are final stages, claim that universities should provide the knowledge linked to the workplace. On the other hand, those, who say we should respect knowledge itself, believe that the pure education is the best. For my part, I vote for the latter one as it sounds to me to be more reasonable.

It is generally accepted that the people who graduated from universities are armed with knowledge. To begin with, what we can obtain from our colleges is much more than skills: we are able to fully recognize ourselves as well as the societies (our) society. If the colleges become job-oriented, the thoughts of the students would definitely change. Besides, another critical factor behind my position is that only the pure education can provide us with high-quality knowledge. Human beings change education to wealth yet, aiming at money, we cannot show students the core of knowledge. Additionally, common sense leads us to this point: it is our future that we really care about: we cannot afford to lose the skills to create a better future. Only when we understand the true genius of education can we further develop a brighter tomorrow.

Undeniably, I would concede that graduates must find jobs later in their lives. This is due to the fact that everybody needs money to raise their family. Nevertheless, I believe once they can learn about the true knowledge, they can be are qualified to find positions. Obviously, the knowledge itself does not exclude a job.

To sum up, the graduated students may want a perfect work place: however, taken all these factors into consideration, I am convinced that the schools should always concentrate on the knowledge-based education.

Not bad.
The two main problems are:
1) a lot of incorrect "the"; We generally don't use "the" with "knowledge" or other 'abstract' nouns (though sometimes we do). You have used the zero article correctly on a number of occasions.
2) a lot a run on sentences, which should be split, or divided with a colon (:) or a dash ( - ).

Make sure you understand why the commas don't belong in this sentence.
Those people, who insist that jobs are final stages, claim that universities should provide knowledge linked to the workplace.
If you're not sure why, ask.