IELTS writing task 2. Please correct my essay!

I would be grateful to anyone who corrects this essay.

"Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic.

When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and keep them alive.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence."
(IELTS Cambridge 3. Page 52)

The development of technology has been helping people a lot in many activities. However, this does not mean that developed technology can completely replace human beings on a number of areas. Some people may run against this idea, but in fact, many traditional careers in Vietnam, in particular, are still retained nowadays. Furthermore, lifestyles, more or less, characterise a particular culture or a country, so it is essential and auspicious to save these in case they become weaker.

After all, if there is a case when ways of life abate, this is not the matter of advanced technology, but just the effect of culture assimilation. Some young Vietnamese people nowadays do not behave like their ancestors did in the past. In fact, their lifestyles are Westernised, as a result of the exposure to Western culture from newspapers, television or from studying abroad. However, the situation actually can be ameliorated. In Vietnam, some of the youth cohabit, smoke or answer their parents back. Nonetheless, these acts are still regarded as taboos in Vietnamese culture, which shows an encouraging signal. This also proves that there are a majority of people in this country who still preserve their traditional ways of life.

Trendy approaches to several traditional industries seem to be able to totally replace the workers with modern machines. However, it is a fact that there are still a lot of traditional industries that need employees to work for them in spite of the sophisticated technology’s involvement. A good example would be the acoustic guitar processing industry. Thousands of guitars are being produced everyday by machines, but the high-priced ones, which need to be genuinely excellent, have to be made by skilled guitar makers.

Moreover, some traditional jobs, which are associated with some particular skills, have disappeared because of their danger, not of modern technology. For instance, the job in which people dive deep into the sea to find oyster to get pearls does not exist any longer. Hence, technology is not involved in the disappearance of some careers.

To sum up, it is untrue to say that developed technology leads traditional skills and lifestyles to vanish. This is much less likely that saving them is not possible since a country’s or a culture’s features, which involve traditional careers and ways of life, exist just because this country or this culture exists.

As I am not a native speaker, it would be good if someone else checked your work. Anyway, this is how I view it:

The development of technology has been helping people a lot in many activities. However, this does not mean that developed technology can completely replace human beings in some areas. Some people may run against object to this idea, but in fact, many traditional careers occupations (in Vietnam, in particular) are still retained nowadays. Furthermore, lifestyles, more or less, characterise a particular culture reflect the individuality of a culture or a country, so it is essential and auspicious to save these in case they become weaker not to lose the national tradition.

After all, if there is a case when some traditional ways of life abate disappear, this is not the matter due to advanced technology, but often it's just the effect of culture assimilation. Some young Vietnamese people nowadays do not behave like their ancestors did in the past. In fact, their lifestyles are westernised, as a result of the exposure to impact of the western culture from newspapers, television or from studying abroad. However, the situation actually can be ameliorated. Though some of the youth in Vietnam cohabit, smoke or answer their parents back speak rudely to their parents, these acts are still regarded as taboos in Vietnamese culture by most of the civilians, which is an auspicious sign. This also proves that the majority of people in this country still preserve their traditional ways of life.

Trendy Modern approaches to several traditional industries seem to be able to totally replace the workers with modern machines. However, it is a fact that there are still a lot of traditional industries that need employees to work for them in spite of the sophisticated technology’s involvement incursion. A good example would be the acoustic guitar processing industry. Thousands of guitars are being produced everyday by machines, but the high-priced ones, which need to be genuinely excellent, have to be made by skilled guitar makers.

Moreover, some traditional jobs, which are associated with some particular skills, have disappeared because of their danger, not due to the development of modern technology. For instance, the job in which people dive deep into the sea to find oyster to get pearls does not exist any longer. Hence, technology is not involved in the disappearance of some careers.

To sum up, it is untrue to say that developed technology leads causes traditional skills and lifestyles to vanish. This is much less More likely is that saving them is sometimes not possible for some other reasons connected with a country’s or a culture’s specific features. They may disappear or stay as long as a particular country or culture exists.
[/quote]