inviting your critique on my translation

[rocking]

Hello all,

Would you please read my translation of a part of a short story in Chinese and give me some comments on how you feel about the text? Is the story understandable to you? Is the language acceptable? What improvement should I make about the translation? Thank you very much - it's for my research project on translation.

For fear that Guangzi would not find his way back home, Liangliang had been telling him over and over again not to go out on his own. Indeed, her fear was not without reasons: the other day, Guangzi did what he had been repeatedly warned not to, and with no unexpected twists, he was completely lost in this alien city.

He kept wondering about and around many streets - his head sweating and his mind anxious. Unwittingly, some phlegm had gathered in his throat before he involuntarily let it fly to spatter and ooze on the pavement below. Soon after, he was quite taken aback when someone with a jerk grabbed him by the arm.

Reaching out reflexively to safeguard his cash sack located in his belt, Guangzi challenged spontaneously, ”Why, What do you want from me?”

“A fine of 50 cents”, replied the man roughly.

“Spitting? So what?” countered he, in even greater puzzlement. “Should I have choked it back instead? A fine? Are you kidding? For what?” Guangzi defended coherently. “I’m no robber, you see… I’m not up to anything for a fine. I’m just walking my way…”

“A fine for spitting in the street!” came the explanation.

By then, a large crowd was looming from every direction. They all seemed to be complaining about Guangze, which made him rather uneasy and nervous.

“Now I see, how funny it is here in Beijing! Spitting out is lawbreaking, eh? …” he uttered, his hands yielding for the hidden cash in his belt. He fumbled about with pains for a long while in vain.

The payee become impatient; he urged him to hurry, only to find him even more out of control.

“Please, Sir. Could we two do it somewhere safe?” he pleaded. “Look at this sea of faces – how can you be sure that my wallet will not be picked here?” He continued. “I’m in town for legal business. I don’t want to have my money stolen here – a farmer doesn’t have extra coins to lose, you see.”

As wished, the fine-collector ushered him to a quiet corner, where Guangzi dismantled his secret cash-holder that was closely fitted to his underwears. Eventually he handed a 100-cent note to the man and waited for his due change.

To his great disbelief, the indignant payee remarked:“You big time waster – now that I’ve just decided to charge you 100 cents instead altogether - no more change for you.“

How could Guangzi possibly take such a setback with any more senses? He managed to get hold of him; his refusal of letting go of his change was only returned with some violent verbal abuse before the fine-collector finally walked away with triumph.

Guangze was left with unbearable rage, “What a robber in such broad daylight!” yelled he. “If it is 50 cents for a spitting, why charged me double?” As his tension caused more phlegm, he spat a second time, continued on his way, nearly choking in tears…

[Raymott]

Originally Posted by rocking

Hello all,
Would you please read my translation of a part of a short story in Chinese and give me some comments on how you feel about the text? Is the story understandable to you? Is the language acceptable? What improvement should I make about the translation? Thank you very much - it's for my research project on translation.

Yes, it's understandable.
You've made a few minor mistakes, eg. 'wondering' for 'wandering'.
But obviously we cannot perfect it for you, otherwise it would not be your translation that you were submitting.

Oh, I wouldn't translate the money amount into cents. I'd keep it in yuan, or whatever the fine is.

[rocking]

Originally Posted by Raymott

Yes, it's understandable.
You've made a few minor mistakes, eg. 'wondering' for 'wandering'.
But obviously we cannot perfect it for you, otherwise it would not be your translation that you were submitting.

Oh, I wouldn't translate the money amount into cents. I'd keep it in yuan, or whatever the fine is.

Many thanks Raymott for your reply. I appreciate your suggestions and impressed that you know the Chinese currency well (half yuan is the fine then). I understand that you cannot perfect it for me, but i would love to have some more comments on the style or anthying that you had as my reader.

I have no intention of cheating or abusing of this site - i'm posting my translation practice here purely to invite some valuable reader feedback (which is very hard to get otherwise) from people like you who i find very generous and supportive to offer support to English learners/users like me.

I'm relatively new to this site and would be willing to learn how to make the most out of it. Thank you.

[Searching for language]

Originally Posted by rocking

Hello all,

Would you please read my translation of a part of a short story in Chinese and give me some comments on how you feel about the text? Is the story understandable to you? Is the language acceptable? What improvement should I make about the translation? Thank you very much - it's for my research project on translation.

For fear that Guangzi would not find his way back home, Liangliang had been telling him over and over again not to go out on his own. Indeed, her fear was not without reasons: the other day, Guangzi did what he had been repeatedly warned not to, and with no unexpected twists, he was completely lost in this alien city.


He kept wondering about and around many streets - his head sweating and his mind anxious. Unwittingly, some phlegm had gathered in his throat before he involuntarily let it fly to spatter and ooze on the pavement below. Soon after, he was quite taken aback when someone with a jerk grabbed him by the arm.


Reaching out reflexively to safeguard his cash sack located in his belt, Guangzi challenged spontaneously, ”Why, What do you want from me?”


“A fine of 50 cents”, replied the man roughly. Here, I feel that you should now explain what the fine is for instead of further down in the narrative.


“Spitting? So what?” countered he, in even greater puzzlement. “Should I have choked it back instead? A fine? Are you kidding? For what?” Guangzi defended coherently. “I’m no robber, you see… I’m not up to anything for a fine. I’m just walking my way…”


“A fine for spitting in the street!” came the explanation.


By then, a large crowd was looming from every direction. They all seemed to be complaining about Guangze, which made him rather uneasy and nervous.


“Now I see, how funny it is here in Beijing! Spitting out is lawbreaking, eh? …” he uttered, his hands yielding for the hidden cash in his belt. He fumbled about with pains for a long while in vain.


The payee become impatient; he urged him to hurry, only to find him even more out of control.


“Please, Sir. Could we two do it somewhere safe?” he pleaded. “Look at this sea of faces – how can you be sure that my wallet will not be picked here?” He continued. “I’m in town for legal business. I don’t want to have my money stolen here – a farmer doesn’t have extra coins to lose, you see.”


As wished, the fine-collector ushered him to a quiet corner, where Guangzi dismantled his secret cash-holder that was closely fitted to his underwears. Eventually he handed a 100-cent note to the man and waited for his due change.


To his great disbelief, the indignant payee remarked:“You big time waster – now that I’ve just decided to charge you 100 cents instead altogether - no more change for you.“


How could Guangzi possibly take such a setback with any more senses? He managed to get hold of him; his refusal of letting go of his change was only returned with some violent verbal abuse before the fine-collector finally walked away with triumph.

Guangze was left with unbearable rage, “What a robber in such broad daylight!” yelled he. “If it is 50 cents for a spitting, why charged me double?” As his tension caused more phlegm, he spat a second time, continued on his way, nearly choking in tears…

Other than the above, it is quite understandable.
I am not a teacher.

[rocking]

many thanks, Searching for Language.

yours is a very useful point; i'll work more on the cohesion part. Interesting indeed to be told about this because the gap is non-existent due to the readers' native social backgroud.