Use of Can in a Request is Positively Rude

Hi all -

Following from the recent discussion on the politeness of may
in a request ('May' for permission, ...
http://UsingEnglish.Com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1186 ).


I believe that, in most cases, use of the word can in a request, e.g.

Can I have a doughnut?

... as apposed to ...

May I have a doughnut?

... is positively rude, since it is inherently manipulative, due to
the fact that its more difficult to say no to the can variant.

- Best regards, Ian

[MikeNewYork]

Originally Posted by Ian_AR

Hi all -

Following from the recent discussion on the politeness of may
in a request ('May' for permission, ...
http://UsingEnglish.Com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1186 ).


I believe that, in most cases, use of the word can in a request, e.g.

Can I have a doughnut?

... as apposed to ...

May I have a doughnut?

... is positively rude, since it is inherently manipulative, due to
the fact that its more difficult to say no to the can variant.

- Best regards, Ian

I don't agree with that. There is no question that "may" questions are considered more polite than "can" questions. They does not make "can" questions rude, however. I would call them less polite in formal interactions. In informal interactions, "can" is widely used.

[Tdol]

It also depends on the relationship. I wouldn't use 'may' for a casual request to a close friend; it would sound very strange.

[RonBee]

I agree with Mike and Tdol. In informal conversation (most of the time) can is preferred and may is considered overly formal. I wouldn't consider "can I" rude in any case.

:)

[Tdol]

It might not be the best choice, but I don't see it as rude.