Need some input on a short story

Ok, so last year I had an assignment to write a short story (2000 words) and after finally getting back the actual paper and making some changes, I've decided to expand the story.

How it was originally written was like a chapter out of a book. No description as to how the characters got to where they were.

Now I'm trying to expand it with character development, as well as events and a further cause as to what happened in the original piece.

I'd appreciate it if somebody would be willing to help me go through it on a 'creative level'.

Excerpt from the new piece:

"She looked so out of character wearing a bright yellow sundress, with her auburn hair hanging down over her shoulders and big hoop earrings barely visible. And in heels no less. But her look still mesmerised me. She turned her head as I was starring at her, and it felt as though her radiant smile lightened the room."

I'm trying to convey that feeling, along with other 'heart felt' moments through the new 'introduction'.

I'm open to any suggestions.

I don't have a lot of time to work on it lately, due to uni working taking precedence, but I'm happy to email/skype etc or chat on the forums mail service.

If you'd like to read the original piece, feel free to message me.


Cheers

Simon


PS, sorry if this is in the wrong section.

No problems with the section.

We recommend that people don't give out their personal contact information. There are some strange people around, even in a demure forum such as this.

5jj said:

No problems with the section.

We recommend that people don't give out their personal contact information. There are some strange people around, even in a demure forum such as this.

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Whatever a member prefers. Doesn't bother me.

Don't suppose you'd be willing? lol

HanibalII said:

Don't suppose you'd be willing?

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I'm afaid not. I know something about grammar and phonology, but editing, proofreading and literary criticism are not my strong points.

5jj said:

I'm afaid not. I know something about grammar and phonology, but editing, proofreading and literary criticism are not my strong points.

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Ok, no problem. Worth asking.

And in heels no less.

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Wearing heels doesn't strike me as worth such attention unless the character normally wore flat shoes.

Tdol said:

Wearing heels doesn't strike me as worth such attention unless the character normally wore flat shoes.

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The character normally wears boots. She's a very farm type girl, IE ripped jeans/flanny/work boots.

It's out of character for her to be so feminine.

Okey dokey.