[Essay] ...a floating dream...

[rodgers white]

Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

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Lanhua described her dream. “It's a floating dream. It begins with me floating above a beautiful city of sparkling white buildings. Most are just one floor above the ground, but a few in the centre are up to ten floors high, maybe more. As I float above it, I can see people walking about. Some people move faster by entering a series of small buildings that move around the city. At first, everyone looks happy, but soon their expressions become worried, and then everyone leaves, heading over the mountains to the east.”

Gan explained. “Those moving buildings are called trains. Continue, sweetie.”

Lanhua took a drink of water. “The city seems to melt, all but one building, the dream pulls me into it. At first, I find it empty but then notice a stairway. As I descend, I feel …or know, that I am moving back through time. One or two floors down I see a man and a boy. The boy calls the man Father, and the Father calls the boy ‘Gan’. They are talking to a large box with lights. It speaks with a voice that sounds a little strange. They call the box ‘Rui’, and then another voice, a girl's voice, and they now call it ‘Meili’. Then the dream pulls me upward through the very stone of the house.”

Lanhua took another drink of water and continued. “Now outside again, I am pulled eastward, into the future, and over the mountain, where I see a small cave opening just before being dragged inside, first a small cave, and then a much larger one, in which I see Father."

 

[Tarheel]

Maybe it's her style of speaking, but I would say "I'm flying in this dream."

Capitalize "Father" when it's used as a name.

That's all for now. (It's bedtime for me.)

 

[rodgers white]

Thank you. I have capitalized 'Father' in Post #1.

 

[Tarheel]

Try:

The city seems to melt except for one building. The dream pulls me into it.

And:

The boy calls the man Father, and he calls the boy Gan.

 

[Tarheel]

Most of time the terms mother or father will be preceded my possessive pronouns or articles.

She's my mother.
He"s my father.
She's a good mother.
He's the best father.
Where's your mother?
When's your father coming back?
Is that your mother?
Is that your father who's giving a speech?
Your mother is nice.
Your father is a good man.

The exception is when one or the other is used as a name.

Americans are usually less formal and say mom and dad. Also mom and pop. (The Brits say mum instead of mom.)

 

[rodgers white]

So what about this version?

Lanhua described her dream. “It's a floating dream. It begins with me floating above a beautiful city of sparkling white buildings. Most are just one floor above the ground, but a few in the centre are up to ten floors high, maybe more. As I float above it, I can see people walking about. Some people move faster by entering a series of small buildings that move around the city. At first, everyone looks happy, but soon their expressions become worried, and then everyone leaves, heading over the mountains to the east.”

Gan explained. “Those moving buildings are called trains. Continue, sweetie.”

Lanhua took a drink of water. “The city seems to melt except for one building. The dream pulls me into it. At first, I find it empty but then notice a stairway. As I descend, I feel …or know, that I am moving back through time. One or two floors down I see a man and a boy. The boy calls the man Father, and he calls the boy Gan. They are talking to a large box with lights. It speaks with a voice that sounds a little strange. They call the box ‘Rui’, and then another voice, a girl's voice, and they now call it ‘Meili’. Then the dream pulls me upward through the very stone of the house.”

Lanhua took another drink of water and continued. “Now outside again, I am pulled eastward, into the future, and over the mountain, where I see a small cave opening just before being dragged inside, first a small cave, and then a much larger one, in which I see Father."

Is there any room to improve, or do you have any other suggestions?

By the way, I use the word 'floating' to express some kind of being forced or manipulated with semi-conciousness. 'flying' is a bit strong word here for me.

 

[Tarheel]

What an amazing dream!