Correctness of a phrase in song lyrics

[BadDisciple]

Hello all,


I've got uncertainty with few phrases I write for a song.
Some of them seem to not stand good English.
Here:


"I see you now having crossed my way. I’m stunned!"


"...you who came like a living myth, a light beam..."


"I will give you all my passion flames..."
or
"I will give you all my flames of passion..."


Could you please confirm or advice?


Thanks for you feedback!

BD

 

[emsr2d2]

Hello all.

[STRIKE]I've got uncertainty[/STRIKE] I am unsure [STRIKE]with[/STRIKE] about a few phrases I [STRIKE]write[/STRIKE] have written for a song.
Some of them don't seem to [STRIKE]not stand[/STRIKE] be good English.
Here they are:


1. "I see you now having crossed my way. I’m stunned!"
2. "...you who came like a living myth, a light beam..."
3. "I will give you all my passion flames..."
[STRIKE]or[/STRIKE]
4. "I will give you all my flames of passion..."

Could you please [STRIKE]confirm or[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]advice[/STRIKE] tell me what you think?

[STRIKE]Thanks for you feedback![/STRIKE] Unnecessary. Thank us after we help you.

[STRIKE]BD[/STRIKE] Unnecessary. We already know your username.

1, 2 and 3 are not grammatically correct and I'm not sure what you are trying to say with them. 4 is grammatical although I'm not sure you can "give" someone your "flames of passion".

Having said that, song lyrics are commonly not grammatical. Some are absolute nonsense.

Note my corrections above.

 

[Skrej]

I assumed #2 was part of a complete sentence, with the rest of the sentence being intentionally left off for the sake of posting brevity. As such, I was okay with it conveying a sense of admiration or even adolation. To me, it's saying that the person's appearance was like the arrival of some kind of deity or mythological entity.

The others don't really work for me, even if we disregard grammar. For the last one, perhaps something like 'my passion burns like a flame' or 'my burning passion for you' or even 'flaming passion for you'. I've never heard of giving passion flames, you usually just have them for someone.

Perhaps you could 'spread your passionate flames' around, or your 'passion spreads like a fire'.

The last time I tried spreading my love flame, I got hosed down with cold water. I'll leave it to the reader to decide whether I'm being metaphorical or literal. :-?

 

[BadDisciple]

Thank you really for the precision in correcting my "kind of" English! I appreciate, as myself am a perfectionist!

True that I posted only the phrases I was unsure about their correctness, for the sake of brevity, yes.
So, in order to have a better view on the context, wouldn't it be better if I provide the entire text?

 

[BadDisciple]

...
The last time I tried spreading my love flame, I got hosed down with cold water. I'll leave it to the reader to decide whether I'm being metaphorical or literal. :-?

I like that "metaphor" of a "love flame hosed down with cold water"... I happens quite often... You should write a song about it!

 

[BadDisciple]

Hello, t[FONT=&quot]hanks a lot for your feedback!
Concerning my question again.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]To explain myself better, two remarks:
[FONT=&quot]1: It is a fact that in all languages, when it comes to poetry, there is plenty of metaphors and often a reversed order in syntax/grammar.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]2: In song writing, even more limits exist, as care must be taken of matching the music rhythm accents and the language phonetic stress on the words! (E.g., in French the phonetic stress goes ALWAYS on the last syllable in ALL words, so it's quite hard to write French lyrics to music without the danger of "prosody" - except when it is in French traditional "chanson" style where the music follows the language.)[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]So I think it's better that I provide the entire text of my lyrics. Here it is (the lines in doubt in red):
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MY NYMPH[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Verse 1)[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Dear lady,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]after searching for so long, a long run,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I see you now having crossed my way/path. I'm stunned![/FONT][FONT=&quot] (Ok?)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Charm and grace,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]you turn to me your sparkling eyes, so fine,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]and your smiling lips, and dancing steps, my kind![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Chorus 1)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You nice lady, you true nymph,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]let me ask you be my chosen one.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You dear lady, you true nymph,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]be my lady, have my soul and song.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Verse 2)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My lady,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]you who came like a living myth, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]a light/shine/glow/sun beam[/FONT][FONT=&quot], ("beam of light" doesn't "match" with the music!)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]will we join and share our joys and pains, my dream?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Charming you,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I will play for you my songs and rhymes,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I will give you all my passion flames, all times.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]or:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A. "And my flames of passion are for you, all times"
B. "And my flames of passion will touch you, all times"
C. "And my flames of passion will hug you, all times"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Chorus 2)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Precious lady, my true nymph,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]dance your graceful steps around the trees.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My dear lady, my true myth,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]it's our day One, a dream came true like breeze,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]my nymph![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](A cappella)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It's our day One, a dream came true, my nymph![/FONT][/FONT]

 

[Raymott]

The last time I tried spreading my love flame, I got hosed down with cold water. I'll leave it to the reader to decide whether I'm being metaphorical or literal. :-?

Before me, as a living light beam, posed,
You, with frosty drops, down my passion hosed.

 

[Rover_KE]

yahoyoha, the above post will be restored when you have responded to your earlier thread.