Diary - I looked out from my bedroom this afternoon,

[Maybo]

This is an entry from my diary. Please check it and correct any mistakes.

I looked out from my bedroom this afternoon, and I saw some tombs on a hill. The hill had been covered with trees, so I never knew there were tombs on it until some trees were cut down this afternoon. The hill is quite close to my apartment so I'm a bit scared. I've put down the curtain and will avoid looking at them. I hope tree leaves will grow faster and cover the tombs again.

 

[Tarheel]

I think "graves" would be better than "tombs" there.

 

[emsr2d2]

I've said before that I think you've reached a level where you can stop writing in such stilted staccato sentences. Why not add a bit of intrigue/mystery to your pieces? Have a look at this version:

Wow! I never knew there were gravestones on the hill near my house. Some trees were cut down this afternoon and suddenly I can see the gravestones from my bedroom window. That makes me a bit uncomfortable so I think I'll keep the curtains closed until the trees grow back enough to screen the view.

 

[Maybo]

I've said before that I think you've reached a level where you can stop writing in such stilted staccato sentences. Why not add a bit of intrigue/mystery to your pieces?

Maybe my Chinese writing is stilted staccato, and so is my English. If you have free time, it's great that if you could suggest some natural or vivid language to me.

 

[tedmc]

The sight of graves instead of a verdant hill that you have been looking at from your room would have surprised you. This has not been conveyed in your writing. The idea of looking at them on a daily basis would have given you the creeps. Try to spice up your writing to make it more interesting. It has to come from you, to make the extra effort.

 

[emsr2d2]

Maybe my Chinese writing is stilted staccato, and so is my English. If you have free time, it's great that if you could suggest some natural or vivid language to me.

I already did. My version is more vivid than yours but I believe it's of a level that you could come up with yourself.

 

[tedmc]

Maybo
I suggest you write a couple of sentences at a time (instead of a long paragraph) aimed at improving your writing style, post them here for comment/feedback and take it from there.
There is no shortcut to improving one's writing skills, which is through a lot of reading and writing. You have the added advantage of receiving good guidance on writing here.

 

[Tarheel]

@Maybo When it's nighttime here it's daytime there, and the other way around.
In and out, north and south, up and down, we live on the opposite sides of town.

 

[Maybo]

Maybo
I suggest you write a couple of sentences at a time (instead of a long paragraph) aimed at improving your writing style, post them here for comment/feedback and take it from there.
There is no shortcut to improving one's writing skills, which is through a lot of reading and writing. You have the added advantage of receiving good guidance on writing here.

But my paragraph is already very short. I already tried to write as mush concise as I could while explaining my idea clearly. Also, I write a paragraph because I want to practise using tenses more accurately. After all these writing practices, I've found I'm able to use the tenses more accurately than I used to be. I will work more on writing style.

 

[emsr2d2]

But my paragraph is already very short. I already tried to write as mush concise as I could while explaining my idea clearly. Also, I write a paragraph because I want to practise using tenses more accurately. After all these writing practices, I've found I'm able to use the tenses more accurately than I used to be. I will work more on writing style.

Your pieces are pretty much the perfect length for this section of the forum. If you posted just a couple of sentences, we wouldn't get the whole story and would end up asking you for context each time.

 

[Tarheel]

But my paragraph is already very short.

That's the @Maybo I know! That's perfect! If all of your sentences were like that you wouldn't need any help at all.

That rhyme is from a poem I wrote called "The Opposite Side of Town". I thought of that because we live on opposite sides of the world but we talk to each other daily.

(Back to bed for me. It's 4:26am here.)

 

[Maybo]

That rhyme is from a poem I wrote called "The Opposite Side of Town". I thought of that because we live on opposite sides of the world but we talk to each other daily.

I might try writing some poems in the future.

 

[Tarheel]

I might try writing some poems in the future.

It wouldn't hurt. Have you looked at the long-running couplets thread in the "Poetry and Prose" section? There are a couple of nonnative speakers who have posted some clever couplets. As for me, I have had lots of practice.