Insults from days gone by

[emsr2d2]

Here are some great insults from years gone by, courtesy of the Facebook page of English Literature: A Community. I know at least one of them has cropped up on the forum before. There's some fun wordplay for learners to enjoy.

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These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to four-letter words. Insults then had some class!

1. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night. I will attend the second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

6. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

10."He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

14. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx.

22. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

 

[probus]

Wonderful stuff indeed. My hands down favorite was Faulkner on Hemingway. Staggering hubris.

 

[jutfrank]

They're all brilliant. Thanks for that.

 

[Tarheel]

Those are all good. Number 21 is classic Groucho Marx.

 

[Amigos4]

Here are a few insults that I picked up while surfing the internet. No attributions accompanied the insults.
My favorites are #2 and #13.

1. Light travels faster than sound which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
2. I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
3. You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.
4. Someday you’ll go far. And I really hope you stay there.
5. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
6. You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
7. I’m busy right now, can I ignore you another time?
8. Your face makes onions cry.
9. You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
10. If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
11. You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
12. It’s impossible to underestimate you.
13. Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
14. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with personality.
15.I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
16. You have an entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?
17. Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
18. I’m not a nerd. I’m just smarter than you.
19. Don’t worry, the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
20. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
21. If you have a problem with me, write the problem on a piece of paper, fold it, and shove it up your ass.
22. I’d rather treat my baby’s diaper rash than have lunch with you.
23. We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately, we’ve been married for 10 years.
24. Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.

 

[Tarheel]

This one.

I'm busy right now. Can I ignore you another time?

 

[Amigos4]

How about: "I don't have the time or the crayons to explain it to you."

 

[Tarheel]

I'd recommend a book to you if I thought you knew how to read..

 

[Piscean]

Winston Churchill: Your shoshialissht ideash are inshane, Beshie.
Bessie Braddock: Winston, you're drunk.
Winston Churchill: Yesh, and you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be shober.

 

[emsr2d2]

One of my favourite comebacks when someone is trying to argue with me is "I don't like to enter a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent".