[Essay] Introduction of a selective school essay (practice)

[itosan4]

The prompt is "The hardest decision of my life "
Hello again and sorry for being annoying, but please give feedback on what I can do to improve on the INTRODCUTION and also grade it as a year 9 selective school essay. We only get 15 minutes to write and I'm wondering if the introduction is long enough and is the hook good enough. Any feedback is appreciated also in your feedback please say how I can improve or some constructive criticism, thanks.

Decisions, choices or whatever you want to call them play a big role in our everyday lives, from the time when we wake up, to the time when we go to sleep. I remember one time when I had to choose between two donuts, it was the most difficult situation I had to make, until this problem aroused on one sheet of paper, one that no child should ever deal with. Something so big on something so small, I remember all I had to do was to choose, something so basic that I couldn't do.
But before I continue let me start from how this all began.

 

[teechar]

Are you expected to write only an introduction in the 15 minutes you're given?

 

[itosan4]

No, I'm only practicing parts of the essay, seperatly. We are expected to write a full essay though.
.

 

[teechar]

The prompt is "The hardest decision of my life."
Hello again, and sorry for being annoying, but please give me feedback on what I can do to improve on the following essay introduction [STRIKE]INTRODCUTION[/STRIKE] and also grade it as part of a year-9 selective-school essay. We only get 15 minutes to write, and I'm wondering if the introduction is long enough and sufficiently engaging. [STRIKE]is the hook good enough.[/STRIKE] Any feedback is appreciated. [STRIKE]also in your feedback[/STRIKE] Please also let me know [STRIKE]say[/STRIKE] how I can improve, [STRIKE]or some[/STRIKE] and provide constructive criticism for me, thanks.

Decisions, choices or whatever you want to call them play a big role in our everyday lives, from the time when we wake up, to the time when we go to sleep.[That's not a good start. Decisions are not the same as choices. Also, avoid informal and casual expressions such as highlighted in blue above.] I remember one time when I had to choose between two donuts; it was the most difficult situation I had to deal with [You are definitely not going to impress a selective school if you talk about donuts!][STRIKE]make,[/STRIKE] until this problem aroused on one sheet of paper, one that no child should ever deal with. Something so big on something so small, I remember all I had to do was to choose, something so basic that I couldn't do. [I have no idea what that is supposed to mean.]
[STRIKE]But before I continue let me start from how this all began.
[/STRIKE]

I strongly advise you to radically revise your approach. If all you're given is 15 minutes, I suggest you start practising writing an entire essay within that time limit to find out how much you can actually write.

 

[itosan4]

Thank you for your advice. I'll try and implment it to the best of my abilities.

 

[teechar]

I'll do [STRIKE]try and implment it to the[/STRIKE] my best. [STRIKE]of my abilities.[/STRIKE]

Great! Do that, and let us know if you need more help.