John and Nicole went back to their flat

[alpacinou]

Is this correct and natural?

John and Nicole went back to their flat that afternoon. They lay on the couch. She nestled her head against his chest, her hair fanning out around his body. "How do you feel about Patrick," he asked stroking sprawled out strands of her hair.

"Patrick, that lying weasel! I wanted to squeeze the life out of him with my own hands today," she said, her voice surprisingly flat and dull.

John's thick eyebrows rose, his eyes widening but he slowly lowered his brows and narrowed his eyes, trying to hide his surprise.

 

[emsr2d2]

"Patrick, that lying weasel! I wanted to squeeze the life out of him with my own hands today," she said, her voice surprisingly flat and dull.

Hmm, I'm not sure about that. Her words are natural enough but I don't think those words would/could be uttered in a flat, dull voice. The mere inclusion of an exclamation mark makes that very unlikely. I know you said that her tone was surprising but I don't think it's realistic that such sentences would be uttered in such a voice.

 

[alpacinou]

Hmm, I'm not sure about that. Her words are natural enough but I don't think those words would/could be uttered in a flat, dull voice. The mere inclusion of an exclamation mark makes that very unlikely. I know you said that her tone was surprising but I don't think it's realistic that such sentences would be uttered in such a voice.

Okay. What if I omit that part?

John and Nicole went back to their flat that afternoon. They lay on the couch. She nestled her head against his chest, her hair fanning out around his body. "How do you feel about Patrick," he asked stroking sprawled out strands of her hair.

"Patrick, that lying weasel! I wanted to squeeze the life out of him with my own hands today," she said.

John's thick eyebrows rose, his eyes widening but he slowly lowered his brows and narrowed his eyes, trying to hide his surprise.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Okay. What if I omit that part?

John and Nicole went back to their flat that afternoon. They lay on the couch. She nestled her head against his chest, her hair fanning out around his body. "How do you feel about Patrick," he asked stroking sprawled-out strands of her hair.

"Patrick, that lying weasel! I wanted to squeeze the life out of him with my own hands today," she said.

John's thick eyebrows rose, his eyes widening, but he slowly lowered his brows and narrowed his eyes, trying to hide his surprise.

Pretty good. But no one cares whether John's eyebrows are thick. And since she's not looking him in the eye, he doesn't need to hide his surprise.

Maybe take one more whack at this one.

 

[alpacinou]

Pretty good. But no one cares whether John's eyebrows are thick. And since she's not looking him in the eye, he doesn't need to hide his surprise.

Maybe take one more whack at this one.

What if he stands up after that?


John and Nicole went back to their flat that afternoon. They lay on the couch. She nestled her head against his chest, her hair fanning out around his body. "How do you feel about Patrick," he asked stroking sprawled-out strands of her hair.

"Patrick, that lying weasel! I wanted to squeeze the life out of him with my own hands today," she said.

John's eyebrows rose, his eyes widening, but he slowly lowered his brows and narrowed his eyes, trying to hide his surprise as he gently pushed her head aside and stood.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

What if he stands up after that?


John and Nicole went back to their flat that afternoon. They lay on the couch. She nestled her head against his chest, her hair fanning out around his body. "How do you feel about Patrick?" he asked, stroking sprawled-out strands of her hair.

"Patrick, that lying weasel! I wanted to squeeze the life out of him with my own hands today," she said.

John's eyebrows rose, his eyes widening, but he slowly lowered his brows and narrowed his eyes, trying to hide his surprise as he gently pushed her head aside and stood.

That holds together better. As always, picture what your words actually say to make sure they match what you're imagining.

 

[Tarheel]

I'm curious about why he needs to hide his surprise. Does he want her to think he is not surprised? Why is that? Why is he hiding his emotions?

 

[emsr2d2]

Now that you have removed the part about her voice being surprising, do you really need him to look surprised?

 

[emsr2d2]

"How do you feel about Patrick?" he asked ...

See my correction above, which we'd all missed up to now.

 

[alpacinou]

Thanks folks. About the surprise and him trying to hide it, that is a part of the bigger picture and I'm working on it. But it has to be there.

 

[Tarheel]

OK.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

See my correction above, which we'd all missed up to now.

I think I got that in post 6.

What do I win?

 

[emsr2d2]

I think I got that in post 6.

What do I win?

Oops, so you did! You win today's grand prize - an extra hour correcting texts in a sub-section of your choice. ;-)

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Oops, so you did! You win today's grand prize - an extra hour correcting texts in a sub-section of your choice. ;-)

I'm on it!