[Essay] New Member Here - Please Evaluate My Essay

[JoelThakkar]

Hello,

I am preparing for IELTS. I wrote my 1st essay today. Please evaluate and provide me your valuable feedback.

P.S : Sorry for my bad handwriting. I am also trying to improve that.

 

[Tarheel]

That modern society is "heavily integrated with technology" is what makes it modern. Also, would people who decry modern technology like to go back to a time when people had to worry about contracting bubonic plague or smallpox?

How about more facts and less opinion?

 

[JoelThakkar]

That modern society is "heavily integrated with technology" is what makes it modern. Also, would people who decry modern technology like to go back to a time when people had to worry about contracting bubonic plague or smallpox?

How about more facts and less opinion?

Thanks for the feedback. I will make the required changes.

 

[Tarheel]

A brief comment. Isn't "sick patients" redundant?

 

[probus]

"A brief comment. Isn't "sick patients" redundant?"

In everyday usage, of course, but not in medical jargon. My children are doctors, and in medical school they were taught to decide which patients were "sick" and which were not. To doctors "sick" patients are those who are at risk of dying soon. Notwithstanding how much they may be suffering, the other patients are not "sick" in that technical sense.

 

[Tarheel]

Since I am not a doctor, I probably wouldn't use sick patients. (Interesting commentary.)

If were to proofread that whole thing, I probably should get paid to do it.

 

[Tarheel]

Re:

Does modern technology make life more convenient, or was life better when technology was simpler?​

Perhaps:

Does modern technology make life better, or was life better when there were no planes, no trains, no automobiles, and no email?


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[Tarheel]

Re:

Modern society is heavily integrated with technology.
​

Perhaps:

Modern society is dominated by the tools we use. We depend on computers, which are part of every facet of our lives. In just a few short decades they have become handier and more useful and more necessary. We use them every day, every hour, every minute.

​

 

[Tarheel]

Say:

Many people suggest that life was better in the past when technology was more primitive, but I disagree.

​

Why suggest instead of say?

 

[tedmc]

It is my potent belief that the more technology advances, the more the quality of lives of people increases.

It is my firm belief that the more technology improves, the better the quality of life people enjoy.

not a teacher

 

[Tarheel]

Re:

the lack of modern medical equipment
​

The medical equipment they had at the time was modern for its time. It just wasn't modern compared to today's medical equipment.

(Note that "equipment" is a noncount noun.)

 

[Tarheel]

Re:

It is my potent belief that the more technology advances, the more the quality of people's lives increases.
​

Say:

I believe that the more technology advances the more the quality of people's lives improves.

​

​

 

[JoelThakkar]

thanks @tarheel for all the help

 

[Tarheel]

thanks @tarheel for all the help

You're welcome, but please click on Thank or Like. (I get paid in likes. ;-)) Also, please note that (as I indicated earlier) that quality does not increase, but it either gets better (improves) or gets worse (deteriorates).

 

[Tarheel]

Re:

There are abundant reasons why developing technologies make people's lives more convenient.
​

Say:

There are many reasons why developing technologies make people's lives better.
​

The corner store may be convenient (because it's nearby), but I don't see how a person's life can be more convenient.