[Grammar] Phrase review

[arnold23]

Hello friends

I'm new in this forum and I wanted to get help please reviewing a phrase in which I've been working:

God leads my path, my family upholds
my decisions and my loving mother...
I am grateful for all that I am, for I owe
it to my mother's sacrifice.

I would like to know your opinions in regards of its composition, as a non native speaker of english I still have my doubts about the overall composition of the phrase and its grammar and punctuation. I'm doing it for a friend who wants to surprise his mother. If you find something to improve or anything, I would really appreciate the feedback.
See you soon friends and thanks beforehand.

 

[Tarheel]

Say:

I'm new to this forum, and I need help with something I've been working on.

It starts out okay, but it quickly loses its way.

You may thank me now.

Got to go!

 

[teechar]

Hello arnold23, and welcome to the forum.
Are you trying to write poetry?

 

[arnold23]

Thanks for your comment man

 

[arnold23]

Hello arnold23, and welcome to the forum.
Are you trying to write poetry?

I never thought of it as a poem, although it might be something very close to that. I got some scattered ideas from a friend who wants a new tattoo to dedicate it to his mother. The three main ideas are showing God's guidance, family support and his gratitude to his mother. Of course it was supposed to be something special, hence the avoidance of common words.

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

For everything I am I owe to my loving mother.

(I've written hundreds of poems, so I might know something about that.)

 

[Tarheel]

I wouldn't put much stock in the phrase "scattered ideas" if I were you.

 

[teechar]

Hello friends,


I'm new in this forum, and I [STRIKE] wanted to get [/STRIKE] need some help please with reviewing a [STRIKE] phrase in [/STRIKE] text which I've been working on:


God leads my path, my family [STRIKE] upholds [/STRIKE]
is my [STRIKE] decisions [/STRIKE] solid rock,
and to my loving mother,
I am grateful, [STRIKE] for all that I am, [/STRIKE] for I owe
[STRIKE] it [/STRIKE] everything to [STRIKE] my mother's [/STRIKE] her sacrifice.


I would like to know your opinions in regards [STRIKE] of its [/STRIKE] to that composition. As a non native-speaker of English, I still have my doubts about the overall composition of the [STRIKE] phrase [/STRIKE] text and its grammar and punctuation. I'm doing it for a friend who wants to surprise his mother. If you find something to improve or anything else, I would really appreciate the feedback.
See you soon friends and thanks. [STRIKE] beforehand. [/STRIKE]

I got some scattered ideas from a friend who wants a new tattoo to dedicate [STRIKE]it[/STRIKE] to his mother.

Personally, I'm not a pro-tattoo person. Can your friend trial the text on a T-shirt instead?

 

[emsr2d2]

Thanks for your comment, man.

Note my added punctuation above. However, please also note that it is not appropriate to address users here as "man". It's overly familiar and it suggests you assume the responder is male. That's not necessarily the case. There is no need to write a new post to say "Thank you" to anyone. Just click on the "Thank" button in the bottom left-hand corner of all responses. If you can't see it yet, be patient. It might not appear until you have made ten public posts.

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

For everything I am I owe to my loving mother.

I've thought about it a bit, and I have decided you should delete the first word. Thus you would have:

Everything I am I owe to my loving mother

Now it will fit on a T shirt. As for a tattoo, you should give it a bit of thought before going that route. After all, it will take up quite a bit of space. (Teechar's version would use up more space. Either that or you'd have to use smaller letters.)

 

[arnold23]

I'm afraid it's too late to do the trial :lol: anyways thank you all for the feedback, I really appreciate it. By the way I'm quite amazed by the quality of the observations you have made, this is great I'll be hanging around friends!

 

[Tarheel]

He already got the tattoo? Can you post a picture?