[General] Please review my IELTS essay

[ardhemisst]

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. To what extent do your agree or disagree with statement?
Government investment has always been a fundamental problem faced by every country. While some people think that government should spend money in arts, such as music and theatre, others believe that the money should be invested in public services instead. In this essay, I will argue why government should spend money in public services rather than arts.
The main reason why government investment should go towards public services is that public services is much more needed to keep the country running. In other words, public services, such as public transportation or health care, keep the country habitable for its citizen. To illustrate, having poor public transportation can cause workers being late to their work which cause the company to not function optimally. As a cripple effect, this can cause disturbance in the economy. Likewise, good public health care is also very essential to a country.
Additionally, unlike arts, public services is a long-term investment. All developed nations nowadays has good and high quality public services especially in public transportation. This trend shows that countries with better public services have higher chance of being developed country rather than those with poor ones.
With regard to arts, spending money in arts will not be appreciated and accepted by majority of citizen as only few people have a great fond of arts. To support this statement, students who enrolled in arts study is much lower than those who enrolled in other disciplines.
Lastly, arts do not generate much money. Since people who appreciate arts is generally much lower than those who do not, money spending in arts is much lower as well. For example, money consumption on train ticket for annual event like Superbowl will outnumber money spending in museum visitation for one whole year.
To sum up, while arts is considered to important, I think government should spend a big portion of money in public services instead since it has more benefits and is more essential.

 

[teechar]

Government [STRIKE] investment [/STRIKE] expenditure has always been a fundamental problem faced by every country. While some people think that government should spend money [STRIKE] in [/STRIKE] on the arts, such as music and theatre, others believe that the money should be invested in public services instead. In this essay, I will argue why government should spend money [STRIKE] in [/STRIKE] on public services rather than the arts.


The main reason why government investment should go towards public services is that public services [STRIKE] is [/STRIKE] are much more [STRIKE] needed [/STRIKE] essential to keep the country running. In other words, public services, such as public transportation or health care, keep the country habitable for its citizen. To illustrate, having poor public transportation can cause workers [STRIKE] being [/STRIKE] to be late to [STRIKE] their [/STRIKE] work which [STRIKE] cause the company to [/STRIKE] businesses cannot not function optimally [STRIKE] . As a cripple effect, this can cause disturbance in [/STRIKE] and by extension can impact the entire economy. Likewise, good public health care is also very essential to a country.


Additionally, unlike arts, public services is a long-term investment.
[How? The rest of this paragraph does not elaborate on the above topic sentence.]


With regard to arts, spending money in arts will not be appreciated and accepted by majority of citizen as only few people have a great fond of arts. To support this statement, students who enrolled in arts study is much lower than those who enrolled in other disciplines. [You need more than just two sentences in a paragraph]

Lastly, arts do not generate much money. [ Again, you need to stick to discussing the idea of the topic sentence and not stray to other ideas].

Post the revised version below if you like.