talking about car headlights

[alpacinou]

Can I use "pinpricks" in the context of talking about car headlights?

Is this correct and natural?

John was exhausted, struggling to keep his eyes on the road. His eyelids were drooping. His vision had begun to blur. The road was as empty as his life. At the horizon, the outlines of dark mountains loomed over the road. John thought he saw a car in the distance coming towards him. There were to pinpricks of light getting bigger, streaking the night.

 

[emsr2d2]

Can I use "pinpricks" in the context of talking about car headlights?

Is this correct and natural?

John was exhausted, struggling to keep his eyes on the road. His eyelids were drooping. His vision had begun to blur. The road was as empty as his life. [STRIKE]At[/STRIKE] On the horizon, the outlines of dark mountains loomed over the road. John thought he saw a car in the distance coming towards him. There were two pinpricks of light getting bigger, streaking the night.

You can use "pinpricks" if they're a really long way away.
I'm not keen on the blue, underlined part. Mountains looming over the road would be closer to the viewer than on the horizon.

 

[alpacinou]

You can use "pinpricks" if they're a really long way away.
I'm not keen on the blue, underlined part. Mountains looming over the road would be closer to the viewer than on the horizon.

Okay. What about this?

John was exhausted, struggling to keep his eyes on the road. His eyelids were drooping. His vision had begun to blur. The road was as empty as his life. On the horizon, the outlines of dark mountains rose in the darkened sky. John thought he saw a car in the distance coming towards him. There were two pinpricks of light getting bigger, streaking the night.

 

[emsr2d2]

I don't like "dark mountains rose in the darkened sky". Try changing one of them.

 

[alpacinou]

I don't like "dark mountains rose in the darkened sky". Try changing one of them.

John was exhausted, struggling to keep his eyes on the road. His eyelids were drooping. His vision had begun to blur. The road was as empty as his life. On the horizon, the outlines of dark mountains rose in the indigo sky. John thought he saw a car in the distance coming towards him. There were two pinpricks of light getting bigger, streaking the night.

 

[tedmc]

His eyelids were drooping, his vision [STRIKE]had begun[/STRIKE] began to blur.

I would combine the two sentences as they are closely related.

There were two pinpricks of light getting bigger, streaking the night.

Why streaking the night? Streaking forward towards him?

 

[5jj]

I would combine the two sentences as they are closely related.

If you are going to do that, use a semi-colon, not a comma.

 

[tedmc]

His eyelids were drooping, his vision beginning to blur.

The above wouldn't need a semi-colon.

 

[5jj]

I was referring to your earlier suggestion, His eyelids were drooping, his vision had begun began to blur. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Pinpoints is more likely.