the had a toast without saying anything

[alpacinou]

I'm trying to describe a situation when a husband and a wife have one last drink before they separate. This is what I have written:

John and Nicole stared at each other in a sad silence. They knew their marriage was over but they could pretend to be a couple for one last night. They raised their glasses and clinked them in a silent toast. "Tomorrow, I will be a free woman," Nicole thought. "I will never love again," John thought.

I'm not happy with it. How can I make it better?

 

[emsr2d2]

What don't you like about it? Which parts do you want to change?

Note that we don't "have a toast" (you used "had a toast" in your title). We "make a toast" or we just "toast".

 

[alpacinou]

What don't you like about it? Which parts do you want to change?

Note that we don't "have a toast" (you used "had a toast" in your title). We "make a toast" or we just "toast".

I don't know. I have a hunch that it can be better. Is it good?

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

I'm trying to describe a situation when a husband and a wife have one last drink before they separate. This is what I have written:

John and Nicole stared at each other in [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] sad silence. They knew their marriage was over, but they could pretend [STRIKE]to be a couple[/STRIKE] for one last night. They raised their glasses and clinked wordlessly/without speaking. [STRIKE]"[/STRIKE]Tomorrow, I will be a free woman,[STRIKE]"[/STRIKE] Nicole thought. [STRIKE]"[/STRIKE]I will never love again,[STRIKE]"[/STRIKE] John thought.

I'm not happy with it. How can I make it better?

It's good.

It's clear what they're pretending, so you don't need to state it.

The toast wasn't silent. There was a clink.

In contemporary writing, thoughts no long have quotation marks around them. Some books use italics, others don't.

I like your parallel Nicole thought/John thought. It adds both humor and pathos.