When he left, her face deflated like a balloon.

[alpacinou]

Is this correct?

When he left, her face deflated like a balloon. Suddenly, she looked like a puppy who has lost her toy and nothing would please her.

 

[jutfrank]

In the second sentence, use past perfect.

Remove the last five words.

Consider replacing Suddenly.

 

[alpacinou]

In the second sentence, use past perfect.

Remove the last five words.

Consider replacing Suddenly.

When he left, her face deflated like a balloon. She looked like a puppy who had lost her toy.

 

[jutfrank]

Are you happy with that particular combination of similes?

 

[tedmc]

I wouldn't use two similes to describe the same thing.

 

[alpacinou]

Are you happy with that particular combination of similes?

Not necessarily.

 

[Tdol]

That had lost its toy?