When Mark entered

[Captain]

Please fix my sentences.

When Mark entered the auditorium, he immediately laid eyes on Anne. Her mellifluous voice, her graceful gait, and her angelic face overwhelmed him with electrifying emotions. At that very moment, Mark realized that she was the woman he had fervently been seeking and the one with whom he would spend the rest of his days.

 

[Tdol]

It's heavy on adjectives.

 

[Captain]

It's heavy on adjectives.

Is that frowned upon or the contrary? xD xD xD

 

[Tdol]

Go easy on adjectives and adverbs.

 

[emsr2d2]

xD xD xD

What does that part mean?

 

[Tarheel]

I wouldn't use laid eyes on. Instead, I would say saw.

Do you have any context for that?

 

[Captain]

What does that part mean?

They are just laughing faces.

 

[Captain]

I wouldn't use laid eyes on. Instead, I would say saw.

Do you have any context for that?

Not really. Mark fell in love at first sight with Anne, who was giving a presentation in an auditorium.

 

[emsr2d2]

They are just laughing faces.

Please don't try to make your own emoticons on the forum. If you really need to use one, click on the icon in the toolbar and choose the appropriate one. Thanks.

 

[Tarheel]

Mark fell in love at first sight with Anne, who was giving a presentation in an auditorium.

That's much better than the original.

 

[Captain]

That's much better than the original.

Yeah, but not poetic or expressive enough. Sounds plain and ordinary to me.

 

[Tarheel]

OK, but you don't want to put too much in one sentence. If you ask a sentence to do too much it will be like a stubborn mule and just quit on you.

 

[Captain]

Haha I like that simile.