When Paul saw his father

[Bassim]

Would you please correct the mistakes in this short text, which I wrote as an exercise.

When Paul saw his father coming home with a frown on his face, he realised something bad had happened. He murmured a greeting and sat at the table. Joan, his mother served him a dinner, staring at him, expecting an explanation, but he avoided her eyes. Paul looked up from his book and glanced at him, but his father's eyes stared empty at the white tablecloth. He tore a piece of bread and chewed it with his soup. Joan, her arms crossed across her chest, stood by the sink watching him until their eyes met. He stopped chewing and glared at her, but she did not move. Finally, he dropped a spoon into the bowl. "It was an accident. I hit a man," he said. Paul looked up again from his book. His father's face was covered in sweat. "Did you kill him?" Joan asked and came near the table. "No. An idiot was lucky. He was staring at his iPhone and had earphones on his head. How can you be so careless and cross the street without looking where you are going? I'll never understand these young people. This is the second time this year I almost killed someone because of their iPhone. You can't drive a cab anymore as a man because of them. I have to find another job before it's too late."

Paul turned his attention to the book but could not concentrate on it. He shuddered when he thought what had happened to that young man, and the pain he suffered. He felt for his father, knowing how much he worked and how much he sacrificed for the family.

 

[teechar]

Would you please correct the mistakes in this short text, which I wrote as an exercise?

When Paul saw his father coming home with a frown on his face, he realised something bad had happened. He [Who? Paul or the father?] murmured a greeting and sat at the table. Joan, his mother, served [STRIKE]him a[/STRIKE] dinner, staring at him [Who?], expecting an explanation, but he avoided her eyes. Paul looked up from his book and glanced at him, but his father's eyes stared [STRIKE]empty[/STRIKE] blankly at the white tablecloth. He [STRIKE]tore[/STRIKE] broke off a piece of bread and chewed it with his soup. Joan, her arms [STRIKE]crossed[/STRIKE] folded across her chest, stood by the sink, watching him until their eyes met. He stopped chewing and glared at her, but she did not move. Finally, he dropped the spoon into the bowl. "It was an accident. I hit a man," he said. Paul looked up again from his book. His father's face was covered in sweat. "Did you kill him?" Joan asked and came near the table. "No. [STRIKE]An[/STRIKE] the/that idiot was lucky. He was staring at his iPhone and had earphones on his head. How can you be so careless and cross the street without looking where you are going? I'll never understand these young people. This is the second time this year I almost killed someone because [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] they were busy with their phone/smartphone. [STRIKE]iPhone.[/STRIKE] You can't drive a cab anymore [STRIKE]as a man[/STRIKE] because of them. I have to find another job before it's too late."

Paul turned his attention to the book but could not concentrate on it. He shuddered when he thought about what had happened to that young man and the pain he suffered. He felt for his father, knowing how [STRIKE]much[/STRIKE] hard he worked and how much he sacrificed for the (sake of his/the) family.

.

 

[Bassim]

teechar,

I think it is clear that it was Paul's father who murmured a greeting because Paul was already sitting at the table and reading his book when his father entered. A man with a frown on his face is likely to just murmur his greeting. And then Joan served him dinner and stared at him, expecting an explanation. Again, it is clear that Joan stared at Paul's father. I think that a reader should create the scene in his mind and not just read a text.

 

[teechar]

Try giving the father a name in the first sentence, and rewrite that first part. I think it would be much clearer.