IELTS essay, please comment on it

[rashidjon]

Countries such as China, India and Japan have unsustainable population growth. In fact many experts are of the opinion that population “explosion” which is now very worrying concern is the most serious threat to life on this planet.
Give some suggestions to address this problem.

It is true that world population is growing very fast. While Western countries are reporting that their birth rate is improving from year to year, some countries such as China, India and Japan are facing unsustainable population growth. There are concerns as well that this tendency could lead to bigger problems in the future and even might endanger lives of other people. I think if we start from now to address issues like birth rate control and begin educating people in developing countries we can avoid the consequences that might arose in near future.

As population will continue to boost there would be great demand for food, water, land and resources. Some experts even predict that shortages of food, water and other resources can lead to military conflicts. In order to avoid that kind of problems, I think local governments should first of all assess the current situation within country. If there would be need for control the scope of birth rate governments with the help of international organizations should start to implement specific projects. But those projects should be realized in strict accordance to basic human rights. Each family has a right to decide how many children they want to have.

The lack of proper education also contributes to population growth in developing countries. We should raise the awareness of men and women regarding the issues like family planning, using contraceptives or the ways how to prevent unplanned pregnancy. With appropriate education we will be able to control birth rate.

In sum, it is inevitable that world population will continue to increase. But if all issues are addressed from now, I think there will be no room for concerns that world might become battle field for resources.

[Gillnetter]

Countries such as China, India and Japan have unsustainable population growth. In fact many experts are of the opinion that population “explosion” which is now very worrying concern is the most serious threat to life on this planet.
Give some suggestions to address this problem.

It is true that the world's population is growing very fast. While western countries are reporting that their birth rate is improving (how does a birth rate improve?)from year to year, some countries such as China, India and Japan are facing an unsustainable population growth. There are concerns as well that this tendency could lead to bigger problems in the future and even might endanger lives of other people. I think if we start from now to address issues like birth rate control and begin educating people in developing countries, we can avoid the consequences that might arose arise in the near future.

As populations will continue to boost grow there would be a great demand for food, water, land and resources. Some experts even predict that shortages of food, water and other resources can lead to military conflicts (You may want to consider the reason that Japan went into China and the Pacific in the 1930s. History is replete with wars that were caused by the need for resources.). In order to avoid that those kind of problems, I think local governments should first of all assess the current situation within their country countries. If there would be a need for to control the scope of birth rate, governments with the help of international organizations, should start to implement specific projects. But those projects should be realized in strict accordance to with basic human rights. Each family has a right to decide how many children they want to have. (At what point does the right of society have more importance than the right of the individual?)
The lack of proper education also contributes to population growth in developing countries. We should raise the awareness of men and women regarding the issues like family planning, using contraceptives or the ways how to prevent unplanned pregnancy pregnancies. With appropriate education we will be able to control the birth rate.

In sum, it is inevitable that the world's population will continue to increase. But if all issues are addressed from now, I think there will be no room for concerns that world might become a battle field for resources.

Interesting subject matter. You may want to study some past wars and see what were the real causes.

[tedtmc]

Interesting subject matter. You may want to study some past wars and see what were the real causes.

see what the real causes were?