isolated sentences and context

[ripley]

Hi; at first I decided to write the text dividing it into sentences for correction, but then I understood that without the the links the correction may not be complete; so I decided to show you the whole text. I hope someone can help. A friend of mine wrote it and I told her I would ask my teachers on line to check it.
Thanks.
Rip


"Here I am, I feel you, my passion is starting out. Talk to me, I was born to live, to have you now. There’s only us, me and you.
Now please have me as you have always done; give me those shivers I like and need so much.
You are the drug I have always wanted.
You stay there in front of me; look at me and listen to me. I’m here to make you feel and let you know my emotions.
I’m here for you. It's you who give me the strength to stand up every day, to be really what I am.

[tzfujimino]

Hello.
Those words are too passionate for me.
I understand the strong messages they convey.
However, I'm not really sure if they are natural or not. Please wait for native speakers to reply.
Is your friend writing a story or...?

[Barb_D]

Hardly my cup of tea. I've bolded the parts that sound wrong to me.

"Here I am, I feel you , my passion is starting out. Talk to me, I was born to live [were any of us not?], to have you now [sounds like a stalker - try "be with you"]. There’s only us, me and you.
Now please have me as you have always done; give me those shivers I like and need so much. [sounds sexual, which could be okay in this context]
You are the drug I have always wanted. [Probably the best line in the paragraph]
You stay there in front of me; look at me and listen to me. [Are these commands or descriptions? Commands are weird. Maybe using continuous would be better. You are standing HERE (not there) in front of me, looking at me and listening to me.]
I’m here to make you feel [make you feel what?] and let you know my emotions. [Must you?]
I’m here for you. [This one doesn't fit. The entire rest of it is how "you" make "me" feel and then you suddently say something about yourself and doing something for them. ] It's you who give me the strength to stand up every day, to be really what I am.

I'm one of the "it's you who gives me..." people instead of "you who give me" people. You'll find arguements for both.

[ripley]

I think she is writing a kind of song which is also a message to her boyfriend. She is a singer but we are Italian and so we would like to know if those sentences sound natural to a native speaker' s ear. if they don't, I'd like to know how to make them better trying to remain faithful to the original message.
I didn't think those words were too passionate, I'm sorry. For us Italians they aren't too hot.

[SoothingDave]

"You who give" sounds wrong to me, too.

[ripley]

Thanks Barb-D,
What can I say instead of "I feel you" (Depeche Mode said" I feel you, Your sun it shines , I feel you
Within my mind") and "my passion is starting out?" ( I mean my passion is exploding, but I'd like be more delicate and give the idea of a sort of engine which is starting up);
I was born to live you. Sorry I forgot to write the word you.
I'm here to make you feel my emotions and let you know may emotions . Should I repeat the words emotions twice?
Why doesn't "I'm here for you"" fit? I mean I' m here because I want to be with you, I don't mean I want to do you a favour.

[Barb_D]

My problem with the "I'm here for you line" is that everything else is "You make me feel this. You make me feel that. I feel this when I'm with you. I feel that when I think of you." It's all about the person writing this. Then suddenly, and not even as the last line, it says "Oh, and by the way, if you should need something, I'm here for you too." It's a complete (and temporary) change of focus from how this other person affects you to what you'll do for this other person.

My feelings for you grow stronger every day - is better than exploding (ick!) and "starting out" (too tame).
I have no idea what to say instead of "I was born to live you." It makes no sense. Just delete it.
I need you to know my feelings for you, perhaps.

[ripley]

Hi Barb- D,
By "I'm here for you" is meant "I'm here because I need to stay with you", not because I want to support you.
Should one say "I'm here because of you"?

[Barb_D]

"I'm here for you" means "If you need me, I am here." It absolutley conveys the idea of you being there to support her/him.

[emsr2d2]

Without wishing to sound like I'm trying to avoid answering the question - song lyrics hardly ever worry about grammar or whether the words sound natural. The lyrics are frequently written to fit the rhythm and rhyme of the song itself.