application letter

[barbet]

a good friend of mine asked me to check the english version of his application letter. When I read his letter a lot of things sound really strange to me, however I'm not sure if it is wrong. So hereby I post his letter and I was wondering if you could help me out checking his letter (it is not that much to check). I would really appreciate your help.

Thanks in advance,

Barbet

Dear mister De Boer,

While reading your vacancy as an Assistant Controller I was immediately enthusiast. I’ve got a lot of affinity with finances and an eye for numbers in general. Moreover, I prefer going deeper at this level.
In my current job I discovered challenge is a very important aspect for me. Therefore I am looking for an challenging job with develop and education possibilities. From your advertisement I learn that this matches with your organization.
After, and during my study Business Economics at the Hes Amsterdam, I’ve had an administration job. During the past year I received a lot experience as a financial administrator and I’ve also developed at personal level. Furthermore I learned working independent and flexible and I can be placed all-round.
It seems to me a challenge to work as an Assistant Controller. With my ambitious, motivated en inquisitive state of mind I am sure I can provide a positive input to your organization. Therefore I would like to define my letter and resume to you in a personal interview.

With kind regards,

[Tdol]

It's all over the place and I think it isn't a matter of correcting it but totally rewriting it. Quite a bit of the information is rehashing what is already in the person's resume, so I can't really see the need for it and some of it just doesn't make much sense- I can't see any way of changing Moreover, I prefer going deeper at this level into much of a sentence- the link back to the previous sentence doesn't work and it's far from clear what 'this level' refers to. It looks like something that has been done too quickly and without much thought for the reader- what does 'I discovered challenge is a very important aspect for me' mean? Aspect of what? Any challenge? It reads like a sentence where the person simply wants to get the word challenge in because it'll get them a bonus point for using a buzz word. I honestly think he needs to clarify his ideas, rewrite it and organise things before anything else.

[barbet]

Thanks a lot for your comments, I have the dutch version of his letter, so I know what he meant. However, this version is totally #$@#%. :) I really didn't know what to do with the sentences. You confirmed what I already thought, it doesn't make sense.

Have a good weekend,

Barbet