Can somebody help me correct motivation latter?

[Vasare]

hi,
I think about studys in Denmark, so I need very strong motivation, of course correct. Therefore can somebody help and correct? Thank you.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I appreciate this opportunity to provide further background information in support of my application for entrance to the International Sales and Marketing Management program at the University of Denmark for the 2010 autumn term.

First of all I would like to present some background about myself. My name is Kristina, currently living in Lithuania. Since my early years the question of my future university studies and then a profession was very important to me.Therefore at the age of 10, I had an opportunity to help my father in his individual company, there I saw how is selling, processing wood, what character need to have for the leading person and since this time I always knew what is my dream proffession. Furthermore I found myself a quick learner and even the fact that I become my father second-hand.
While I was in high school I was student council member. This allowed me to develop and use organizational skills.
When I will graduate from school, I did not want to stop on what I achieved in Lithuania but to continue studies in a respected European University such as VIA University College.
Last four summer I served as salesgirl in the city market, we sold everything what we grow in our garden, because my mother is fermer. Working in family farm and market give me a good possibility to sharpen management skills and interpersonal relations. I asked myself a question, which profession will grant me the ability to use and improve my existing strong points and skills. I have already knew it must be something related to international sales and marketing management, so the next step was to find out in which sector of sales and management I will express myself best and could use all my skills. Since I was always fascinated with world of business and economics and its influence on our life, the best choice for me is to study International Sales and Marketing Management in your University.
In conclusion I would like to say that I like to take responsibility and to work as part of a team. I am eager to gain new experiences and in my opinion this program is the best way to achieve all of it and to explore the uniqueness of human personality. Its international aspect and very high standard of education encounters different students from various countries, so the interaction during the study is very enriching and exactly what I am looking for. I am positive that the VIA University College would be an excellent start for an ambitious business career.

Thank you for considering my application

Sincerely yours

[Vasare]

Please help, it's very important to me, I don't have who could help and correct it.

[RonBee]

hi,

First of all I would like to present some background about myself. My name is Kristina, and I am currently living in Lithuania. Since my early years I have wanted to go to university and learn a profession.

I will look at it more later if I have the time.

[Gillnetter]

hi,
I think about studys in Denmark, so I need very strong motivation, of course correct. Therefore can somebody help and correct? Thank you.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I appreciate this opportunity to provide further background information in support of my application for entrance to the International Sales and Marketing Management program at the University of Denmark for the 2010 autumn term.

First of, all I would like to present some background about myself. My name is Kristina and I am currently living in Lithuania. Since my early years the question of my future university studies and then a profession was were very important to me. Therefore At the age of 10, I had an opportunity to help my father in his individual company. {there I saw how is selling, processing wood, what character need to have for the leading person and since this time I always knew what is my dream proffession. This must be redone. It should be at least two sentences, maybe three} Furthermore I found myself I am a quick learner and even the fact that I become and became my fathers' second-hand. {You may want to use "right hand helper" as "second-hand" could also mean something that is old and has been used}


While I was in high school I was a student council member. This allowed me to develop and use organizational skills.

When I will graduate from school, I did do not want to stop on what I achieved in Lithuania but to continue my studies in a respected European University such as VIA University College.

For the last four summers I served as a salesgirl in the city market. We sold everything what that we grow grew in our garden, because my mother is a fermer farmer. Working in the family farm and market give me a good possibility chance to sharpen my management skills and interpersonal relations. I asked myself a question, which profession will grant me the ability to use and improve my existing strong points and skills. I have already knew it must be something related to international sales and marketing management. so The next step was to find out in which sector of sales and management I will express myself best and could use all my skills. Since I was always fascinated with world of business and economics and its influence on our life, the best choice for me is to study International Sales and Marketing Management in at your University.

In conclusion, I would like to say that I like to take responsibility and to work as part of a team. I am eager to gain new experiences, and, in my opinion, this program is the best way to achieve all of it and to explore the uniqueness of human personality personalities. ItsThe international aspect and very high standards of education at your college encounters attracts different students from various countries, so the interaction during the study is will be very enriching and exactly what I am looking for. I am positive that the VIA University College would be an excellent start for an ambitious business career.

Thank you for considering my application

Sincerely yours

Here are some suggested changes. When you have rewritten this letter, please post the revised copy for comments.

[Vasare]

Dear Sir or Madam,

I appreciate this opportunity to provide further background information in support of my application for entrance to the International Sales and Marketing Management program at the University of Denmark for the 2010 autumn term.

First of all I would like to present some background about myself. My name is Kristina and I am currently living in Lithuania. Since my early years the question of my future university studies and a profession were very important to me. In the chilhood my parents called me "a little manageress" because I like to manage. Most often I managed in my sand box, I told what cakes must be baked, how much they will cost. . In the sand box I learnt negotiation skill . I had never angered with my sand friends or parents for this my character feature. At the age of 10, I had an opportunity to help my father in his company. There I saw how is selling, processing wood, how are administering finance and how seller with customer are negotiating. I am aquick learner and became my fathers' right hand helper.

In high school I was a student council member, class monitor, young police supporters monitor. With young police supporters we created a film ''Don't mock!" and organized shows, how ''Don't drive without seat-belt" and other.

When I graduate from school, I do not want to stop what I achieved in Lithuania but to continue my studies in a respected European University such as VIA University College.

For the last four summers I served as a salesgirl in the city market. We sold everything that we grew in our garden, because my mother is a farmer. Working in family farm and market give me a good chance to sharpen my management, negotiation skills and interpersonal relations. I asked myself a question, which profession will grant me the ability to use and improve my existing strong points and skills. I have already knew it must be something related to international sales and marketing management. The next step was to find out in which sector of sales and management I will express myself best and could use all my skills. Since I was always fascinated with world of business and economics and its influence on our life, the best choice for me is to study International Sales and Marketing Management at your University.

In conclusion, I would like to say that I like to take responsibility and to work as part of a team. I am eager to gain new experiences, and, in my opinion, this program is the best way to achieve all of it and to explore the uniqueness of human personalities. The international aspect and very high standards of education at your college attracts different students from various countries, so the interaction will be very enriching and exactly what I am looking for. I am positive that the VIA University College would be an excellent start for an ambitious business career.

Thank you for considering my application

Sincerely yours


What you think about my motivation? It's enought good? or weak?

[newoz]

should have space line between each paragraph.

[Vasare]

Please, can somebody check it again.

[RonBee]

First of all I would like to present some background about myself. My name is Kristina, and I am currently living in Lithuania. Since my early years the question of my future university studies and a profession were very important to me. When I was a child my parents called me "a little manageress" because I liked to manage. Most often I managed in my sand box, deciding what cakes should be baked and wha the prices would be. In the sand box I learnt negotiation skills . I had never angered my playmates or my parents because I was such an able negotiator. At the age of 10, I had an opportunity to help my father in his company. There I saw how is selling, processing wood, how are administering finance and how seller with customer are negotiating. I am aquick learner and became my father's number one assistant.

You need to rewrite that next to last sentence.