Letter of Motivation for International Management Program; request for review

Dear ....,

I hereby wish to express my interest in your Bachelor of Science in International Management Program. Companies and their operations in national and international markets have always fascinated me. That is why I am aiming for a profession in that direction. In search of the right education and qualification for the career I’m striking for Munich Business School appeared as one of the best places to study. Not just because of its excellent rankings but also because of its International Management Program, which combines the academic theory with important soft-skills and meaningful knowledge about foreign cultures and the intercourse with them and all of that in a personal environment. On an international market that is driven by globalization the importance of teaching exactly those additional skills increased significantly in the last few years. You cannot do business globally without interacting with foreign cultures and for that you need to understand them. Another pretty important aspect about the Business Program MBS offers is the relationship to internships and practical experience, which is probably at least as important as the theoretical knowledge. For that it is not only required to complete internships but also was there a special design of the schedule so that there is plenty of time to fulfill them.
As a fundament for the applied degree program I can show both theoretical and practical prerequisites. For that I took “Wirtschaftsleistungskurs” for a period of two years in high school but also attended a marketing class during my one-year stay in the United States. I was able to acquire practical experience on the one hand in that marketing class as leader of a group that was assigned to suit and execute a marketing plan for a local bowling center in Casper, WY. And on the other hand I was a successful participant and group leader of the business simulation game “Play the Market”. Furthermore I do have a high willingness to perform and a readiness of mind, that I was also able to demonstrate in an extracurricular internship and plentiful of vacation jobs. Those qualifications enable me to live up to the name of Munich Business School. But there is also my intercultural competence that was built up and advanced during my High School Year, where I was able to affiliate quickly into the new surroundings. In high school in Germany my character stood for a nice working climate that was appreciated both by students and teachers. Everyday’s life at Munich Business School would also benefit from that because a pleasant working climate not only facilitates but also enhances teamwork tremendously.
As a Bachelor of Science in International Management I would seek for a career in a medium-sized to large company that operates on the global market. In that matter I would benefit from MBS’s good reputation and find my place in the business with greater speed and success.
A career counselor and personal research brought my attention on Munich Business School.

Sincerely

....

First of all I really do appreciate the work and effort you spent on reviewing my letter of recommendation. If it's not too much of a hassle for you, I'd like to go through the letter step by step with you. Since the program I'm applying for is very very important to me.
I'm going to adapt your changes tomorrow and would submit it to the thread we're in right now.
Furthermore I'd like to get your opinion about the general idea of the letter, what you would add, what you would shorten in order to optimize it.

Thank you for your help in advance

I wish to express my interest in your Bachelor of Science in International Management Program. Companies and their operations in national and international markets have always fascinated me. That is why I am aiming for a profession in that direction. In search of the right education and qualification for the career I wish to pursue, Munich Business School appeared as one of the best places to study. I am interested, not just because of its excellent rankings, but also because of its International Management Program. I note that this program combines academic theory with important soft-skills and meaningful knowledge concerning foreign cultures. In an international market that is driven by globalization, the importance of teaching exactly those additional skills has increased significantly in the last few years. You cannot do business globally without interacting with foreign cultures and for that you need to understand those cultures. Another important aspect about the Business Program MBS offers is the relationship to internships and practical experience, which is at least as important as the theoretical knowledge. For that, it is not only required to complete internships but also is the schedule designed so that there is plenty of time to fulfill them. But still one of the most important key facts about MBS and its Program is the personal environment, they are offering, because every great idea started once in a small group of people.
I can show both theoretical and practical prerequisites for the applied degree program. I took “Wirtschaftsleistungskurs” for a period of two years in high school and also attended a marketing class during my one-year stay in the United States. I was able to acquire practical experience in that marketing class as leader of a group that was assigned to develop and execute a marketing plan for a local bowling center in Casper, Wyoming. And I was a successful participant and group leader of the business simulation game, “Play the Market”. Furthermore, I have a high willingness to perform and a readiness of mind, that which I demonstrated in an extracurricular internship and in vacation jobs. Those qualifications enable me to live up to the name of Munich Business School. But there is also my intercultural competence that was built up and advanced during my high school year in 2007/08, where I was able to affiliate quickly into the new surroundings. In high school in Germany, my character helped create a nice working climate that was appreciated both by students and teachers. Everyday life at Munich Business School would also benefit from that because a pleasant working climate not only facilitates, but also enhances teamwork tremendously.
As a Bachelor of Science in International Management I would seek for a career in a medium-sized to large company that operates in the global market. In that matter I would benefit from MBS’s good reputation and find my place in the business world with greater speed and success.

Sincerely


That is the letter with your changes adapted and a added passage in green. Now to your questions:

soft-skills are all competencies besides your professional competence that determine your success, like interpersonal, methodical and social abilities

meaningful knowledge refers to knowledge you can actually use, especially in Germany you learn a lot stuff you will never need again

Wirtschaftsleistungskurs is one of two major classes you take during your last two years of school in Germany, you spend the most time in those classes and you'll take your final exam in them as well

What I would need you to tell me is still if something important is missing in the letter, anything should be left out or maybe a different method to write it.

I'm still very grateful for your effort.