I really need your grammer advice for my UC essay!

Hello I'm leia624 and I really need your help on my UC essay.
English is my second language so I really need your help on grammer.
Also, if you all find anything that you think it is unnecessary, please let me know because I really need to cut some parts.
Thank you so so much:-)

Describe the world you come from ― for example, your family, community or school ― and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.


A blank piece of paper will represent my world. I draw a stick figure to represent myself. Around the paper, I start writing significant things in my life and I draw lines between them; my world is full of connections. The connections I have with people, my community and this earth itself. The connections I built shape my dreams which is marketing, law and fashion and, color my world with numerous shades.

The connections I evolved with people are like lands in my world; they are different and necessary. Every one of them affected my life in someway but some of them shaped my dreams and aspirations more than other people. Two such people are my father and my boss at a company I work for. My father explained to me how marketing is the basis of every business. Even when we were just shopping, he would teache me marketing skills such as branding when we are just shopping. He helped me to discover marketing as my fascination.

My boss at a company where I am interning recently shaped my dream as well. I work at the Business Development/ Marketing Department at a law firm called Baker&Mckenzie. She is the who one who connected me with a new field of business; legal marketing. Many people do not connect some businesses with marketing such as law firms and hospitals but she taught me how marketing and law are necessities for every business in this world and it is also a creative side of business. Also working at Baker&Mckenize effected me to want to work in an international firm more because it is not male domination comparing to Japanese firms. I am not sure how many people I met in 19 years of my life but all of them influenced me and I find the connections I have with people are priceless.

The connection I make with my community is like an ocean in my world; it is deep and different. I am from an International school community. Like ocean waves have different sizes and shapes,my community are diverse in races, religion and backgrounds. we all strive to be different individually yet function together as a group. My life changed the moment I entered to an International school. It helped me to spot what I want to value in this world and that is diversity. It expanded my outlook on life and I can proclaim that I would not be who I am now if I did not attend International School; it is my basis. I believe that it helped me to grow as a person. It developed various perspectives about history, culture and traditions. I can see histories as third person, I can adapt different ways of greeting people such as I bow for my Japanese teacher but shake hands with my English teacher and I understand about Ramadan and other Islamic beliefs. I believe that diversity does not only mean people with different nationalities but to have your own character and be original. To be unique, to have your own opinion and to be yourself make this world diverse.This is why I want to work in an International firm. I want to use my bilingual skills, share different perspectives and prove how diversity makes this world extremely entertaining.

A colorful piece of paper will represent my world and it is filled in with various colors. I am still missing some but I am going to add those colors from now on. There are countless people who shaped my dreams. However, not only the people I have met, everything in every moment is somehow influencing my life. My dreams, aspirations and my world is never-ending and beyond imagination. I can turn anything into something I never imaged and I am going to keep initiating connections with numerous people to help this world become amusing.

Hi, English is a second language for me too. But I can find minor mistakes here. hope it helps.


The connections I built shape my dreams which is are marketing, law and fashion and, color my world with numerous shades.

She is the who one who connected me with a new field of business;....


Also working at Baker&Mckenize effected affected me to want to work in aninternational firm more because it is not male domination dominated (?) comparing to Japanese firms.

A blank piece of paper will represent my world. I draw a stick figure to represent myself. Around the paper, I start writing significant things in my life and I draw lines between them; my world is full of connections: The connections I have with people, my community and this earth itself; the connections I built shape my dreams which is marketing, law and fashion and, color my world with numerous shades.

The connections I evolved with people are like lands in my world; they are different and necessary. Every one of them affected my life in someway, but some of them shaped my dreams and aspirations more than others. Two such people are my father and my boss at a company I work for. My father explained to me how marketing is the basis of every business. Even when we were just shopping, he would teach me marketing skills such as branding. He helped me my fascination with marketing.

My boss at a company where I am interning recently shaped my dream as well. I work at the Business Development/ Marketing Department at a law firm called Baker&Mckenzie. She is the one who connected me with a new field of business: legal marketing. Many people do not connect businesses like law firms and hospitals with marketing, but she taught me how marketing and law are necessities for every business in the world, and that it is also a creative side of business. Also, working at Baker&Mckenize effected me to want to work in an international firm more because it is not male dominated, compared to Japanese firms. I am not sure how many people I have met in 19 years of my life, but all of them influenced me and I find the connections I have with people are priceless.

The connection I make with my community is like an ocean in my world; it is deep and different. I am from an international school community. Like ocean waves have different sizes and shapes,my community is diverse in race, religion and background. We all strive to be different individually yet function together as a group. My life changed the moment I entered to an international school. It helped me to spot what I want to value in this world and that is diversity. It expanded my outlook on life and I can proclaim that I would not be who I am now if I did not attend International School; it is my basis. I believe that it helped me to grow as a person. It developed various perspectives about history, culture and traditions. I can see histories as third person, I can adapt different ways of greeting people (for instance, I bow for my Japanese teacher but shake hands with my English teacher) and I understand about Ramadan and other Islamic beliefs. I believe that diversity does not only mean people with different nationalities, but to have your own character and be original. To be unique, to have your own opinion and to be yourself make this world diverse.This is why I want to work in an international firm. I want to use my bilingual skills, share different perspectives and prove how diversity makes this world extremely entertaining.

A colorful piece of paper will represent my world and it is filled in with various colors. I am still missing some but I am going to add those colors from now on. There are countless people who shaped my dreams. However, not only the people I have met, but everything in every moment is somehow influencing my life. My dreams, aspirations and my world are never-ending and beyond imagination. I can turn anything into something I never imaged and I am going to keep initiating connections with numerous people to help this world become amusing.