Please Revise My Admissions Essay

[robinm]

Imagine a world free of diseases and disorders. Would that not be great?! In order for this to occur we must take one step at a time, one day at a time, and one person at a time; towards a cure. My desire is to furnish a cure for the sleeping disorder insomnia.
Insomnia means chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time. Insomniacs lack an essential need for human survival, sleep. Heightened levels of stress; frequent mistakes; higher level of frustration; increased worrying; and the ability to concentrate, are a few effects due to insomnia.
An insomniac’s high stress level manifests itself not only mentally, but physically as well. This causes an individual to make more mistakes, which induces more frustration and worrying. Take for example an insomniac working for a prestigious pharmaceutical company, where he is in charge of distributing the correct amount of milligrams per prescription; but, because of his lack of sleep he reads and interprets the prescription incorrectly and gives the patient the wrong amount of medicine. This poses a danger to the insomniac, the company he works for, and the patient.
For my plan, of creating a cure for insomnia, to succeed I must become a doctor. Becoming a doctor will afford me the opportunity to gain more knowledge about the human body and its’ functions. I will also learn more about different types of disorders and diseases, the symptoms of each, and the current treatment methods. This will aid me in creating a cure for insomnia. After becoming a doctor, I will begin developing hypotheses and using the scientific process to test their validity. Once I have completed this step I will gain permission from the FDA to test my product on people. When these tests come back clean, I will then launch my cure to the entire world!
I hope to touch the lives of all the people in the world who suffer from this critical disorder. It saddens me to know that there are people in the world who cannot sleep and I am in my bed sleeping as sound as a baby, while they try everything on earth to get to sleep. These are just a few, of the many, reasons why I plan to become a doctor and create a cure for insomnia.

[Tdol]

I've got to head for work, so I can only make a few comments. My first would be to remove exclamation marks- I don't think they're appropriate for this kind of writing. It's an admission essay, so should be more formal.

The opening seems to chatty to me- a world without diseases would, indeed, be great, but I'd focus purely on your goal, which is to help with the elimination of one disease. Also, in the first paragraph, do we 'furnish' cures? I'd use something like find/discover.

[robinm]

Thanks.

[twostep]

Originally Posted by robinm

Imagine a world free of diseases and disorders. Would that not be great?! In order for this to occur Meow! we must take one step at a time, one day at a time, and one person at a time; towards a cure. My desire Fluff is to furnish ? a cure for the sleeping disorder insomnia.
Insomnia means chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time. Insomniacs lack an essential need for human survival, sleep. Heightened levels of stress; frequent mistakes; higher level of frustration; increased worrying; and the ability to concentrate, are a few effects due to insomnia.
An insomniac’s high stress level manifests itself not only mentally, but physically as well. This causes an individual to make more mistakes repeat, which induces more frustration repeat and worrying repeat. Take ? for example an insomniac working for a prestigious not relevant pharmaceutical company, where he is in charge of distributing the correct amount of milligrams per prescription; but, because of his lack of sleep he reads and interprets the prescription incorrectly and gives the patient the wrong amount of medicine. This poses a danger to the insomniac the wrong medicne does not affect the insomniac, the company he works for, and the patient.
For my plan, of creating a cure for insomnia, to succeed I must become a doctor. Becoming a doctor Repeat will afford ? me the opportunity to gain more knowledge about the human body and its’ functions. I will also learn more about different types of disorders and diseases, the symptoms of each, and the current treatment methods. This will aid me in creating a cure for insomnia. After becoming a doctor Repeat, I will begin ? developing hypotheses and using the scientific process to test their validity. Once I have completed this step I will gain permission from the FDA to test my product on people ?. When these tests come back clean ?, I will then ? launch my cure to the entire world!
I hope to touch the lives of all the people in the world who suffer from this critical disorder. It saddens me ? to know that there are people in the world Repeat who cannot sleep and I am in my bed sleeping as sound as a baby, while they try everything on earth Fluff to get to sleep. These are just a few, of the many, reasons why I plan to become a doctor and create a cure for insomnia.

I marked words/phrases I would change were it my application essay.

[drmythri]

Robin,
Are you planning to go into medical school?
I would advice you to tone down ur essay a bit. Delete the part where you plan to get FDA approval for your medicines. Concentrate more on the qualities which would make you a good doctor and try to tell them that you are interested in a lot more in medicine than just insomnia!! good luck

[twostep]

Sit down and write speech notes like you would for an interview. Nothing but bullet points. Go through them. Picture yourself in front of an audience or mirror (do not feel funny by using a mirror, I do it for phone interviews) and tell your audience why you want to be admitted to this school. Your family and your feelings are important but mostly to you. Why should the school admitt you, what is different about you and your dreams? Keep it short, absolutely no flourishes and no typos. Stick to the basics. Imagine how many applications they have to read? Send me a p.m. if you want.

[geniusman]

Well, I would suggest hard re-editing. If I were an admission officer I would immediately put your essay away because it is not attracting attention. I would suggest that wit the polishing and re-editing process you include some personal feeling and change the tone a bit. In tis way you will be absolutely sure that everything will be OK.

If you do not have any ideas what to include in your essay then use the services of an essay consulting company like www.uni-essay.com, www.accepted.om or www.essayedge.com. They will polih your essay really quite good! Yes, you will have to spend some more money but Ithink that it worths being admitted into University and enojoy the best school for you possible just for about 100-200 bucks. Am I not right?

A good idea as well would be to give your admission officer to a friend that is working in the field of study you intend to undertake. Such people could feel what should be included! Just give it a try and you will see what a great result it will be!