for university, please proofread

[lokilein]

Hi all,

I just finished my motivation letter with the help of others here. It's ought not to be longer than 300 words, is now 350, so I am looking forward to some hints. What could I leave out or correct?

Thanks in advance for your help,
Lokilein


Motivation letter


Dear Sir or Madam,


I just returned from a year-long stay aboard and now want to completely focus on my career, thus I appreciate this opportunity to provide further information in support of my application for the International Business Management programme at *University*.
While applying, I perfectly realize that the competition is tough. I feel, however, that I have many abilities and strengths that make me eligible for your programme.
During my travels I could devote myself fully to my interests in different cultures, languages and travelling, and even expand them. Due to my English knowledge and organizational abilities I was offered a job as supervisor in a New Zealand company, later I travelled to Argentina where I worked as customer support agent and was again promoted to be the co- team leader of a group of agents a short time later. To some extent I had free space to put my intuitively experienced ideal of organization into practice. To organize and facilitate, to improve workflows and to embrace teamwork, to create a positive work atmosphere were some of the given tasks. The implementation taught me valuable basic management lessons in foreign labour conditions. Prior to my journey I worked almost two years in all kinds of filmmaking departments which built up and required a great deal of organizational skills, teamwork, liability, flexibility and creativity.

With my application I want to take one crucial step further towards being a successful person in career and life. Not only the possibility to study abroad, create international networks with foreign students, enhance knowledge about foreign markets and continuously consolidate my language and learning skills at partner universities, attracted my interest but also the motivating and supportive study environment I read and heard about from a friend who is studying IBU at *University*. He stated his satisfaction with the *City* campus and *foreign university*, both highly prestigious universities.

I want to take the opportunity to study at *University* right now to use all energy and capabilities I accumulated before and during my journey and look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

[NikkiBarber]

My suggestions:

Notes from me are in blue
Content that I suggest you change is in red
Suggested corrections are green

Dear Sir or Madam,

(Paragraph #1)
I just returned from a year-long stay aboard and now want to completely focus on my career, thus I appreciate this opportunity to provide further information in support of my application for the International Business Management programme at *University*.
You can rewrite your first paragraph. Simply state what position or program you are applying for and how you learned of its existence.

(Paragraph #2)
While applying, I perfectly realize that the competition is tough. In my opinion you can leave out the first sentence. Use this paragraph to describe relevant details from your resume and other skills that you believe would make the reader more likely to choose you.
I feel, however, that I built up many abilities and strengths that make me eligible for your programme. During my travels I could devote myself fully to my interest in different cultures and languages. and travelling, and even expand them. Due to my English knowledge knowledge of English and organizational abilities I was offered given (if you actually took the job) a job as supervisor in a New Zealand company. Here you should mention the company by name and list the skills that it taught you. Later I travelled to Argentina where During my travels I also worked as customer support agent and was again promoted to be the co-team leader of a group of agents a short time later. To some extent I had free space was free to explore my intuitively experienced ideal of organization. This sounds a little unclear, maybe you can word it differently To organize and facilitate, to improve workflows and to embrace teamwork, to create a positive work atmosphere were some of the given tasks. As part of the job I was required to organize, facilitate, improve workflows and embrace teamwork.The implementation This taught me valuable basic management lessons in under foreign labour conditions. Prior to my journey I worked for almost two years in all kinds of filmmaking departments either be more specific or avoid using "all kinds of." In stead you could say that you worked with many different aspects of filmmaking which built up and required a great deal of allowed me to improve my organizational skills and learn about teamwork, liability, flexibility and creativity.

(Paragraph #3)
With my application I want to take one step further towards being a successful person in career and life. I believe that your program will be an important step on the path to becoming a successful person in my career as well as my life. Not only the possibility to study abroad, create international networks with foreign students, diversify knowledge about foreign markets and continuously consolidate my language and learning skills at partner universities, attracted my interestThe possibility of studying abroad and develop an international network attracted my interest. Your program would also give me the opportunity to learn about foreign markets while I continue to improve my language skills. but also the motivating and supportive study environment I read and heard about from a friend who is studying IBU at *University*. He stated his satisfaction with the *City* campus and *foreign University*, both highly prestigious universities. Move the content of this sentence to the beginning of your third paragraph. You could simply say that you have heard of the program's supportive study environment and tie that to the part where you say that the program would be a step on your path to success.

(Paragraph #4)
I want to take the opportunity to study at *University* right now to use all energy and capabilities I accumulated before and during my journey and Either leave this part out or move it to the third paragraph. The fourth paragraph should only be about the possibility of the reader following up on the application. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

I have crossed out a lot of text, not necessarily because it contained errors, but to help reduce the lenght of your letter.
Good luck! It sounds like you have had some interesting travels, that you should be a great advantage for you.

[lokilein]

Wow Nikki, thank you very much for your great effort. I really appreciate it, there is lots of good hints there.

[lokilein]

Hi again,

after some feedback of Nikki here and some friends I wrote a new motivation letter that I'd like to submit on monday. I'd be grateful hearing your opinions.

Again, thank you in advance!

Motivation letter

Dear Sir or Madam,

When I read about the requirements, the contents and the aims of your International Business Management programme on your homepage and various forums, I knew I had to apply for that programme.

After my civilian service I worked in different departments of filmmaking, such as production assistant or location manager for almost two years which allowed me to improve my organizational skills and learn about teamwork, liability, flexibility, stress management and creativity. Recently I returned from a year-long stay abroad where I could devote myself fully to my interests in different cultures and languages. I took the chance to enhance and focus on my abilities that I want to use for my studies. Due to my knowledge of English and organizational skills I was given a job as supervisor at Fraser Orchard in New Zealand for two months, where I could strengthen and build up abilities working in measurement and classification of products, data optimization, facilitation of workflows and administration of imports and exports. During my travels in Argentina I learned Spanish to an intermediate level and also worked as customer support agent and was promoted to be the co-team leader of a group of international agents for three month. To some extent I was free to apply my own experienced concept of organization. As part of the job I was required to organize and improve work routine, execute task setting and trainings, to improve workflows and embrace teamwork. This taught me valuable basic management lessons under foreign conditions. Consequently I have and built up the skills that make me eligible for your programme.

I heard of the programme’s supportive study environment and believe that it will be an important step on the path to becoming a successful person in my career as well as my life. The possibility of studying abroad and develop an international network attracted my interest. Your programme would also give me the opportunity to learn about foreign markets while I continue to improve my language skills.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

some questions:

- not sure about §1, maybe sounds to straightforward?
- literally translated to german “to learn about skills” sounds bad in my opinion. Is it okay to use it in line 3, §2?
- should or shouldn’t I mention the time span I worked for?
- is it network or networks in line 3 §3?
- its 346 words still. do you have any experience on how the matriculation committees would handle this exceedance of 46 words?

Thanks again and have a nice weekend,
Lokilein