My letter of motivation

[gitkam]

To whom it may concern
I am not a teacher,and a new member
Please check this below letter of motivation and let me know my mistakes.

Letter of Motivation

Dear Madam/Sir
Please accept this letter as my letter of motivation for applying to International Master`s Programme in Project Management at XXXX. Participating in this program is a particular opportunity to upgrade my qualifications in current position I occupy and will enable me to manage complex, extensive projects and amplify my expertise in project management- my field of interest.
I am a graduate student in Mechanical engineering at University of XXX and work as a technical expert in XXX company -the best panel board producer in Iran- from 2009 to present. As one of our company`s strategy concerns about expanding product line, we work in the projects of product line installation or modification every year . My responsibilities demand me to make quick decisions and analyses regarding mechanical equipments installation and allow me to improve my communication skills and be able to work in a group environment as well as to lead subordinates and supervise them. I controlled and monitored the project in time.
In addition, studying at university was not only for achieving academic knowledge but also management skills. I had to finish my final BSc` thesis “An introduction to XXX” in one semester. It was an individual, significant project for me at that time. I had to manage my research resources and budget the time. I drew up a schedule and proceeded reports to consult with my professor and control my activities.
I am simply not satisfied with what I have found out so far, knowing there is so much to learn in this area. Through my research on pursuing my studies I perceived an inherent part of taking Master degree is to make out the balance between the theory and practice. The high esteem in having superior standards of education and the chance to challenge myself has prompted me to apply for Master`s Programme in Project Management at XXXX.
I plan to advance my career as a project manager and I believe that the convergence of my academic, professional achievements and attending this programme will bring out a meaningful contribution to the development of my future as well as my environment around and in extremity our world. I wish my obtained credential and background make me eligible for being admitted as a master student at XXX which will be an honor for me.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Yours Sincerely,
...

[Gillnetter]

To whom it may concern
I am not a teacher,and a new member
Please check this below letter of motivation and let me know my mistakes.

Letter of Motivation

Dear Madam/Sir
Please accept this letter as my letter of motivation for applying to International Master`s Programme in Project Management at XXXX. Participating in this program is a particular opportunity to upgrade my qualifications in current position I occupy and will enable me to manage complex, extensive projects and amplify my expertise in project management- my field of interest.
I am a graduate student in Mechanical engineering at University of XXX and work as a technical expert in XXX company -the best panel board producer in Iran- from 2009 to present. As one of our company`s strategy concerns about expanding product line, we work in the projects of product line installation or modification every year . My responsibilities demand me to make quick decisions and analyses regarding mechanical equipments installation and allow me to improve my communication skills and be able to work in a group environment as well as to lead subordinates and supervise them. I controlled and monitored the project in time.
In addition, studying at university was not only for achieving academic knowledge but also management skills. I had to finish my final BSc` thesis “An introduction to XXX” in one semester. It was an individual, significant project for me at that time. I had to manage my research resources and budget the time. I drew up a schedule and proceeded reports to consult with my professor and control my activities.
I am simply not satisfied with what I have found out so far, knowing there is so much to learn in this area. Through my research on pursuing my studies I perceived an inherent part of taking Master degree is to make out the balance between the theory and practice. The high esteem in having superior standards of education and the chance to challenge myself has prompted me to apply for Master`s Programme in Project Management at XXXX.
I plan to advance my career as a project manager and I believe that the convergence of my academic, professional achievements and attending this programme will bring out a meaningful contribution to the development of my future as well as my environment around and in extremity our world. I wish my obtained credential and background make me eligible for being admitted as a master student at XXX which will be an honor for me.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Yours Sincerely,
...

There are a number of grammatical errors in this text. Most of them can be easily changed. Before proceeding any further it might be good to re-read your letter. You reference yourself 25 times in this letter. The letter is mostly about what the school can do you for - what can you do for the school? I suggest that you take out most references to yourself and mention what your presence at the school can do for the school and for society - not only for you. Of course, you have to mention that you went to certain shools and have experience in certain areas but you are over doing this part.