Can a native speaker or an English teach help me to correct this motivation letter...

Can a native speaker or an English teach help me to correct this motivation letter? I asked several friends to correct it, but still the job agency kept saying that there are still some mistakes (grammar or improper use of words?), but they simple didn't tell me what exact the mistakes are? Bit annoying, but they keep refusing my letter until it is in a good shape. Can you help me with this. Thanks lot!

Dear Sir or Madam:

I’m writing this letter to express my interest in the intern of Corporate Finance offered by Medical Credit funds. I appreciate this opportunity and I would like to provide more information about me.

I’m an economics student in Utrecht University, the Netherlands. I’m expecting to get my bachelor degree in Economics and Business Economics in April, 2013. During my economics study, my specialization is slightly more focused the financial track. I complete a track of courses which include corporate finance, financial markets, and international investment, etc. This provides the vision of what it would be like in the financial industry. I also studied Law as my minor which takes up about 25% of my bachelor degree.

Besides my regular economics study, I participate in many kinds of symposiums, seminars, and open lectures at school in the area of natural science, social science, humanity, language, etc. I did this purely for fun. Some certifications obtained from attending those events can be found in my CVs.

In my 4^th year, I spent 2 months working in a travel agency in Amsterdam, dealing with customers. The business mode was like any other travel agency, renting villas, arranging trips, etc. My function was to provide assistance on the construction of the website, as well as on the customer service. For the 2^nd month of the internship, I was responsible for giving assistance to my boss when he expanded his business in Chinese market. It is basically a concept of “City card Amsterdam/Rotterdam” where you can enjoy a discount rate on museum entrance fees/shopping, etc., when you have a card like this. We implemented this idea in China and the initial project we launched was “City card Shanghai”. For me, I put 60% of my effort on the communicating/translation, and the rest 40% is about the actual decision-making on the project.

My experience shows that I am highly motivated with a strong investment banking technical knowledge, outstanding interpersonal and communication skills. In addition, I enjoy working with a diverse group of people-both with clients and co-workers. All I need for my future career is some real-life experience in the field of investment management, and this position in MCF can really help me to achieve my career goal.

I’d welcome the chance to meet you to discuss how my education, experience and skills would be beneficial for the MCF. You can reach me via E-mail or telephone. Thank you for your time and consideration



Sincerely

He Huang

Quote:

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Originally Posted by gongyulan1111

Can a native speaker or an English teach help me to correct this motivation letter? I asked several friends to correct it, but still the job agency kept saying that there are still some mistakes (grammar or improper use of words?), but they simple didn't tell me what exact the mistakes are? Bit annoying, but they keep refusing my letter until it is in a good shape. Can you help me with this. Thanks lot!

Dear Sir or Madam (no colon required)

I’m writing this letter I would like to express my interest in the role of intern of Corporate Finance offered by Medical Credit Funds. I appreciate this opportunity and I would like to provide more information about me myself.

I’m I am an Economics student in at Utrecht University, in The Netherlands. I’m expecting I expect to graduate to get my bachelor degree in Economics and Business Economics in April, 2013. During my economics study, My specialization is slightly more studies have focused particularly on the financial track aspects. I have completed a track of various courses which including corporate finance, financial markets, and international investment. etc This provides the vision of what it would be like in the financial industry. I also studied Law as my minor, which which accounted for takes up about 25% of my bachelor degree.

Besides my regular economics study, I participate in many kinds of symposiums, seminars, and open lectures at school university, in the areas of natural science, social science, humanity, language, etc and more. I did do this purely for fun my own personal development. Some certifications Certificates obtained from attending those events can be found in my CVs CV.

In my 4^th fourth year, I spent 2 two months working in at a travel agency in Amsterdam, dealing with customers. The business mode was like any other It was a standard travel agency, renting villas, arranging trips, etc. My function was to provide assistance on the construction of their website, as well as on thecustomer service. For the 2^nd second month of the internship, I was responsible for giving assistance to assisting my boss when he expanded his business in the Chinese market. It is basically a concept of The basic concept is the “City Card Amsterdam/Rotterdam” where you users can enjoy a discounted rate on museum entrance fees/shopping, etc. when you have a card like this. We implemented this idea in China, and the initial project we launched was being the “City Card Shanghai”. For me my part, I put 60% of my effort time was spent on the communication/translation, and the rest remaining 40% is about the actual decision-making on the project.

My previous experience shows that I am highly motivated with a strong investment banking technical knowledge, and outstanding interpersonal and communication skills. In addition, I enjoy working with a diverse group of people, both with clients and co-workers. All I need or my future career is Some real-life experience in the field of investment management will benefit my future career prospects greatly, and this position in MCF can will really help me to achieve my career goal.

I’d I would welcome the chance opportunity to meet you to discuss how my education, experience and skills would be beneficial for to the MCF. You can reach contact me via by e-mail or telephone. Thank you for your time and consideration.

incerely Yours faithfully

He Huang

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Please see my suggested amendments above in red.

Thank you very much! It helps a lot. :)