Admission Essay-Please Help

[jena07]

Hi ,

I know my admission essay needs alot of work and I was wondering if you guys could help. Here is my essay

Thank You

In 2000, my father was diagnosed with complete kidney failure, resulting in him going on dialysis three times a week, until he received a kidney in 2002. Realizing the potential fate of my father from that point on I vowed that I would become a doctor, a veterinarian in fact so that I could do research in organs so that no one will ever have to go through what my family went through. So I decided to achieve a degree in biology, so that I may one day go to veterinary school. As my undergraduate preceded me I realized that I became more interested in the social aspects of my studies, then science aspects of it. When my professor were speaking of the molecular aspects of the cell, its physiology, I only perked up upon hearing about vaccinations and how they have helped the world or the history of the diseases and how public health officials have eradicated these diseases. I got my first glimpse of public health when I shadowed, Dr. Fletcher, a veterinarian at the Humane Society. During my shadowing period with Dr. Fletcher I learned of many common zoonotic diseases that affect the ----- region, in particular rabies. As Dr. Fletcher told me of how this disease has been controlled considerably through education of the public and initiative of the local government I became enthralled with the field of public. I am constant in a public health setting working at the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) as a work-study for the Facility Support Service (FSS). Everyday I learn something new dealing with veterans at the VA. I have been working with FSS staff assisting the engineer, maintenance, safety, and telephone staff in ensuring that the facility works smoothly. For the first two years as a work-study I assisted the safety office in ensuring the that fire extinguishers worked properly, assisting with the fire alarm panel, and maintenance of Material Safety Data Sheets (MSDS). Each day I learn of how the administration works in ensuring patients get the quickest and most proper treatment. One case in particular was when a flood occurred throughout El Paso, I quickly learned of the administrative process of the public health. Working quickly each employee worked to do their task. The facility support service (FSS) watched for the weather reports and ensured the safety of the employees and patients by alerting them of them the road conditions. I assisted FSS through announcement of road closures and I also worked with the Patient Service Assistants (PSA) to ensure that each patient was safe by calling their homes and ensuring that their appointment will be re-scheduled and that they do not have to come in for their appointments.

Since this time I have been looking to further I my interest in public health. In the summer of 2006, I took to two health promotion courses to help better equate me with the field. I took Environmental Health and Disease Characteristics. Through these courses I was able to survey many significant diseases that are effecting the world today and learn that health promotion is key in lowering the occurrences of these diseases.

Presently I am a studying biology in with concentration in the biomedical aspects of biology. My curriculum established one that allows me to explore all aspects of biology, especially those in the preventive measures of diseases. Currently I am taking Immunology to understand the basis of pathogens why they are able to easily access the body.

Currently I am a member and secretary of Sigma Alpha Lambda, an honorary society. In this society we work through community service to promote unity through our community whether its through helping with the United Food Bank ----- chapter helping sort food items so that they can be distributed to needy families or working with our adopt a highway project to help beautify our community.
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If admitted to your MPH program I plan to use my knowledge of biological sciences and apply it the to the field of epidemiology. Upon earning my degree I plan to go to veterinary school where I will concentrate on the field of zoonotic diseases, so that one day I could track down up emerging infectious diseases.

[RonBee]

Hi ,

I know my admission essay needs alot of work and I was wondering if you guys could help.

Say:

I know my admissions essay needs a lot of work (or "a great deal of work")....

In 2000, my father was diagnosed with complete kidney failure, resulting in him going on dialysis three times a week, until he received a kidney in 2002. Realizing the potential fate of my father from that point on I vowed that I would become a doctor, a veterinarian in fact so that I could do research in organs so that no one will ever have to go through what my family went through. So I decided to achieve a degree in biology, so that I may one day go to veterinary school.

Not bad.

As my undergraduate preceded me I realized that I became more interested in the social aspects of my studies, then science aspects of it.

I am afraid I don't understand "As my undergraduate preceded me". The word "studies" is plural.

When my professor were speaking of the molecular aspects of the cell, its physiology, I only perked up upon hearing about vaccinations and how they have helped the world or the history of the diseases and how public health officials have eradicated these diseases.

Say:

When my professors were speaking of the molecular aspects of the cell--its anatomy and physiology--I only perked up upon hearing about vaccinations and how they have helped the world and the history of diseases and how public health officials have eradicated those diseases.