I need my admission letter proofread, by someone else

[whyme]

I need my essay proofread by someone. I have no one to help me at home. I would really love it if someone helped me out with this.Add suggestions if needed. Thank You!

Imagine, the camera slowly tilting down and panning to the left, while zooming out to expose an extreme long shot of a group of homeless people making jokes about one another. That’s not your typical comic skit that you see on television, is it? What if adults had the same humor as teenagers? This will be the chance to see what goes on in the mind of a teenager that has the passion for film and script writing. My ability to write comic skits, extremely unique humor, and the right attitude about putting my prorities first makes me qualify to be apart of **name of college** .

Ever since I was introduced to video production, I have explored a lot with my imagination it’s almost uncontrollable. When I’m out with friends or family, I come up with fantastic ideas and camera shots for television shows. A couple of years ago, my friends and I were singing in a circle while waiting in line to get into a concert. In that time I imagined a camera panning around us slowly. This would have captured the excitement and anxiousness in all of us. I shared that idea with my friends as we finished singing. They laughed and gave me respect and I knew they loved the ideas and that was one of the events that made me want to pursue film career. I would like my audience to react to my work as my as my friends did. By people being exposed to my work they should be aware that young girls, like me, have the knowledge to pursue a career in film.

I would love to be apart of the college that has largest visual, performing and media arts in the nation. **name of college**, I believe, will better me as person by making me responsible by assigning duties. "Every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty"- John D. Rockefeller Jr. I give my best in every task I’m that I’m assigned. Two most important techniques that I use in my work are originality and unpredictability. Being original allows me to express myself in my own way without any worries. Unpredictable is for the surprising reaction I get from my audience after they see my work. The first thing I’m going to do when I get to **name of college** is be a student and take in the things that I’m not familiar with about film. I look forward to being a successful director/script writer and continuing my education.

[Tdol]

This will be the chance- You haven't said anything that tells me what 'this' is.
extremely unique- I would remove 'extremely'.
makes me qualify- qualifies me
apart- a part
I have explored a lot with my imagination it’s almost uncontrollable- need some punctuation in there
as my as my friends did- as my friends and I did
Two most important techniques- The two...
Unpredictable- Unpredictable

[whyme]

Thank you.
How about these chages.....

This will be the chance -Getting accepted to (college) will be the chance

I have explored a lot with my imagination it’s almost uncontrollable- I have explored a lot with my imagination, it’s almost uncontrollable.

[Tdol]

The first is fine, but I would use a semi-colon in the second.