cover letter targeted at IT intern@GE, suggestion plz, thx

[TomYU]

In fact it is the first time I write such a letter. Hmm, don't laught at me. I think it is better to let you know the requirements.

Requirements:
Major in Information Managment, Computer Science or Engineering
Familiar with the fundamentals of computer system and network are preferred
Strong motivations, quick learner
Patient and detail oriented
Proficient in Chinese and mandarin, fluent in written and verbal English
Good communication and interpersonal skills


Here is my cover letter:

---------B E G I N ----------

Dear Mr. Tang:

I am very interested in the IT intern position at GE Commercial Finance. A big theme at GE these days is innovation and after reading the Fortune Article you recommended I know that IT is playing an important role in your company. That GE focuses on solving some of the world's toughest problems makes me look forward to solving these problems with you.

What I have learned and experienced qualifies me a good candidate for this job. The courses I have taken, such as operating system and database, make me familiar with computer system and network. By finishing the projects assigned, I have built my confidence to solve any kind of problems. For example, visualizing a database required me to read lots of paper in the field I had never reached in a short time. And also I managed to find some well-implemented libraries to accelerate my project. Besides, I had been a careful and patient tutor in my first two year at Fudan University.

It is building on my experience and my understanding of the responsibilities that I would contribute to GE Commercial Finance. I am available for interviews at your convenience and look forward to learning more about your company. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
------------- E N D ------------

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[ski_power]

[quote]
---------B E G I N ----------

Dear Mr. Tang:

I am very interested in the IT intern position at GE Commercial Finance. A big theme at GE these days is innovation and after reading the Fortune Article (remove 'you recommended') I know that IT (remove 'is') plays an important role in your company. That GE focuses on solving some of the world's toughest problems makes me look forward to solving these problems with you.

What I have learned and experienced qualifies me as a good candidate for this job. The courses I have taken, such as operating system and database, makes me familiar with computer systems and network. By finishing the projects assigned, I have built my confidence to solve any kind of problem. For example, visualizing a database required me to read lots of paper in the field (rephrase this please, I dint get you "I had never reached in a short time"). And also I managed to find some well-implemented libraries to accelerate my project. Besides, I had been a careful and patient tutor in my first two years at Fudan University.

(remove "It is building on") My experience and my understanding of the responsibilities (remove "that I") would help me contribute immensely to GE Commercial Finance. I am available for interviews at your convenience and look forward to learning more about your company.
Thanking you (remove "for your time and consideration.")

Sincerely,
------------- E N D ------------
[/quote]
Here you go. I may have made some 'cultural' errors, please do not mind them and change as you find necessary.

[TomYU]

Well, I think I should rephrase that sentence.
I have a question that why using thanking you? It is uncommon.
Thanks anyway.

[ski_power]

"Thanking you" is more common, formal and a short phrase.

"Thank you for your time and consideration" implies that the manager is doing a favour. In truth he requires people for the job, and if you fit the profile it is his duty in the best interests of the company to appoint you.

Over here, thanking you is more common, that's why I said whatever is common closing note in your place, and what you are comfortable use that.