[Essay] Hi, i would like you to help me to proofread my letter of motivation.

[vianti]

Dear, all....i do really need your help to proofread my motivation letter, it is really urgent as i have to complete and send it next monday,

A Letter of Motivation

As I mention and organize my life in my blueprint with main concern of Rhetoric does not solve the problems but the substance is the key, I obsess my self to be obviously engaged in academic world as important as practicing it into my community. In order to pursue my visions written in the blueprint, I had accomplished several important steps during my undergraduate programs. Hence, it is now my turn to continue to the next stage of my long journey of life. I am really keen on holding a master degree specialized in International Relations and Diplomacy at XXX University.
I graduated from undergraduate program majoring International Relations studies on August 30, 2008 in XXX univeristy. I have ended it off with such an endless effort during my studies. I took many classes such as political science, theories of international politics, regionalism, politics and government of South East Asia, Islamic World Issues, Conflict Resolution, etc. In the last year of my study, I assisted my lecturers to tutor on particular subjects such as Civic Education, Conflict Resolution and International Relations of South East Asia. It helped and motivated me to get to know more knowledge and more comprehensive understanding on theory and practice of International Relations. Moreover, I attended many national and international conferences represented my university and my country, Indonesia. I commit to an open-minded personality and brave to independently speak up my opinions to other people. Luckily, when I had to conduct my undergraduate thesis, my lecturer chose me to assist him in his grant-research with the title Dinamika Resolusi Konflik di Filipina. Studi Kasus Ketidakefektifan Implementasi FPA di Mindanao. This highly contributed to me in deepening my horizons as a promising scholar in the future.
Nevertheless, the effort I had gone through was still lacking. Having an excellent opportunity to study in the Netherlands is my dream. The XXX country possess a variety of international negotiation experiences and diplomacy as well as open-minded society is the reason behind my decision attempt for applying to study in this country. It is uncommon that the XXX people are friendly and open-minded that encourages many international students to come for academic challenges and cultural enrichment. Study in XXX has been a prestigious experience for many XXX leaders and young scholars. In hope, I will hold the same opportunity.
I highly intend to continue and deepen my theoretical capacity and technical skills in diplomacy and international negotiation. This intention will significantly support my background of study. In my undergraduate program, I completed my thesis on the failure of parallel implementation of CARHRIHL in deescalating the armed conflict between the Government of the Republic of the Philippines and the Leftist parties. I involved in just a deep process to understand conflict resolution especially in peace-agreement establishment, post-agreement negotiation and sustaining the existing stability. Though, that was not enough for me to have in-depth understanding on this matter. Yet, theoretical enhancement of international relations covering regional security issues and multilateral world sounds so interesting and important for me.
Thus, this subject is a paramount important and strategic matter for me and the future of my country. I believe that this subject plays significant and supportive contribution for XXX betterment. Today, Indonesia is facing with many regional security challenges, disputes and diplomatic clashes with the neighbor countries. The accelerating tension seems rapidly engaged with such a coercive approach. On the other hand Indonesia roles as key actor in regional institution such as ASEAN. In domestic affairs, (Special) Autonomy remains a new field of international cooperation engagement though corruption and power abuse intensively increases lately. In a broader scope, as I learned from my home university, we are now also facing with other exacerbated circumstance that hampering Muslim world. Poverty and low-educated society has been intensifying the conflict internally and externally. Indonesia as the biggest Muslim population country and recorded as a democratic country holds this responsibility along with the rest countries. Therefore, Indonesia needs a lot of futuristic scholars who able to analyze and tackling the obstacles particularly those who mastering the international negotiation and regional security.
For these reasons, I have a strong commitment to dedicate my self to the betterment of Indonesia. In order to get through all of this reality, I believe that University of XXX promises such multi-dimension benefits for me if I am chosen. This is due to several triggering factors. The first one, University of XXX performs such an integrated and unique curriculum that offers all I need in order to pursue my visions. The curriculum is regularly maintained to help the students to understand various issues of international relations such as theories and approaches of international relations, democracy and democratization, Political Parties and Corruption, Political Psychology, Theory and Practice of Diplomacy Today, International Law and Peace and Security in a Multilateral World, International Negotiation, International Political Economy as well as Conflict Resolution and Post-War Reconstruction.
Among other reasons, University of XXX practices personal approach to the student. As I know, this university provides a facility to assists the student personally who needs help and consultation. Then, this university has been experienced in technology and research advancement. For sure, it supports all academic activities of student to explore and sharpening their intellectual capacity. In short, such conducive environment that owned by XXX University is second factor. The third is due to this university gives opportunity for the students to build network with many international organization as it is embodied in its internship program. It challenges me on how to practice all knowledge given by the lecturer into the real world.
In conclusion, I believe that these facts will precisely lead you into a consideration then bridging all of my visions into a reality that enables me to develop my self academically, professionally and personally. Looking forward to speaking with you and I would like to thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,

XXX

Thank you..

[RonBee]

A Letter of Motivation

As I mention and organize my life in my blueprint with main concern of Rhetoric does not solve the problems but the substance is the key, I obsess my self to be obviously engaged in academic world as important as practicing it into my community. In order to pursue my visions written in the blueprint, I had accomplished several important steps during my undergraduate programs. Hence, it is now my turn to continue to the next stage of my long journey of life. I am really keen on holding a master degree specialized in International Relations and Diplomacy at XXX University.

I graduated from undergraduate program majoring International Relations studies on August 30, 2008 in XXX univeristy. I have ended it off with such an endless effort during my studies. I took many classes such as political science, theories of international politics, regionalism, politics and government of South East Asia, Islamic World Issues, Conflict Resolution, etc. In the last year of my study, I assisted my lecturers to tutor on particular subjects such as Civic Education, Conflict Resolution and International Relations of South East Asia. It helped and motivated me to get to know more knowledge and more comprehensive understanding on theory and practice of International Relations. Moreover, I attended many national and international conferences represented my university and my country, Indonesia. I commit to an open-minded personality and brave to independently speak up my opinions to other people. Luckily, when I had to conduct my undergraduate thesis, my lecturer chose me to assist him in his grant-research with the title Dinamika Resolusi Konflik di Filipina. Studi Kasus Ketidakefektifan Implementasi FPA di Mindanao. This highly contributed to me in deepening my horizons as a promising scholar in the future.

Nevertheless, the effort I had gone through was still lacking. Having an excellent opportunity to study in the Netherlands is my dream. The XXX country possess a variety of international negotiation experiences and diplomacy as well as open-minded society is the reason behind my decision attempt for applying to study in this country. It is uncommon that the XXX people are friendly and open-minded that encourages many international students to come for academic challenges and cultural enrichment. Study in XXX has been a prestigious experience for many XXX leaders and young scholars. In hope, I will hold the same opportunity.

I highly intend to continue and deepen my theoretical capacity and technical skills in diplomacy and international negotiation. This intention will significantly support my background of study. In my undergraduate program, I completed my thesis on the failure of parallel implementation of CARHRIHL in deescalating the armed conflict between the Government of the Republic of the Philippines and the Leftist parties. I involved in just a deep process to understand conflict resolution especially in peace-agreement establishment, post-agreement negotiation and sustaining the existing stability. Though, that was not enough for me to have in-depth understanding on this matter. Yet, theoretical enhancement of international relations covering regional security issues and multilateral world sounds so interesting and important for me.

Thus, this subject is a paramount important and strategic matter for me and the future of my country. I believe that this subject plays significant and supportive contribution for XXX betterment. Today, Indonesia is facing with many regional security challenges, disputes and diplomatic clashes with the neighbor countries. The accelerating tension seems rapidly engaged with such a coercive approach. On the other hand Indonesia roles as key actor in regional institution such as ASEAN. In domestic affairs, (Special) Autonomy remains a new field of international cooperation engagement though corruption and power abuse intensively increases lately. In a broader scope, as I learned from my home university, we are now also facing with other exacerbated circumstance that hampering Muslim world. Poverty and low-educated society has been intensifying the conflict internally and externally. Indonesia as the biggest Muslim population country and recorded as a democratic country holds this responsibility along with the rest countries. Therefore, Indonesia needs a lot of futuristic scholars who able to analyze and tackling the obstacles particularly those who mastering the international negotiation and regional security.

For these reasons, I have a strong commitment to dedicate my self to the betterment of Indonesia. In order to get through all of this reality, I believe that University of XXX promises such multi-dimension benefits for me if I am chosen. This is due to several triggering factors. The first one, University of XXX performs such an integrated and unique curriculum that offers all I need in order to pursue my visions. The curriculum is regularly maintained to help the students to understand various issues of international relations such as theories and approaches of international relations, democracy and democratization, Political Parties and Corruption, Political Psychology, Theory and Practice of Diplomacy Today, International Law and Peace and Security in a Multilateral World, International Negotiation, International Political Economy as well as Conflict Resolution and Post-War Reconstruction.

Among other reasons, University of XXX practices personal approach to the student. As I know, this university provides a facility to assists the student personally who needs help and consultation. Then, this university has been experienced in technology and research advancement. For sure, it supports all academic activities of student to explore and sharpening their intellectual capacity. In short, such conducive environment that owned by XXX University is second factor. The third is due to this university gives opportunity for the students to build network with many international organization as it is embodied in its internship program. It challenges me on how to practice all knowledge given by the lecturer into the real world.

In conclusion, I believe that these facts will precisely lead you into a consideration then bridging all of my visions into a reality that enables me to develop my self academically, professionally and personally. Looking forward to speaking with you and I would like to thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by RonBee

As I mention and organize my life in my blueprint with main concern of Rhetoric does not solve the problems but the substance is the key, I obsess my self to be obviously engaged in academic world as important as practicing it into my community.

The problem with that sentence is the problem with the writing in general. It is too long, and it doesn't make sense. Write shorter sentences. Write simpler sentences. Write understandable sentences.