Important: Please correct my motivation letter as soon as possible, many thx..

[annoth]

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing this letter because I would like to continue my study at G University, pursuing Master in Banking and Finance in the academic year of 2009-2010.

First of all, allow me to introduce myself briefly. My name is AD, I was born in June 13th, 1985, in Bandung, a city in West Java, Indonesia. I am a graduate of University of P, Economics Faculty, Accounting Department. I completed my undergraduate study in June 4th, 2007 with an excellent academic performance.

As one of the requirements that I had to fulfill in order to finish my study, I had to perform an unpublished thesis. My concern to the community and environment has encouraged me getting the topic of Corporate Social Responsibility. It was then implemented in a research concerning whether the disclosure of a Corporate Social Responsibility has a significant influence to an investment loan decision making. In my view, financial institutions are not supposed to lend their money to a company which has a bad reputation on its social responsibility, so that many companies will have to put the surrounding environments and communities as top priorities if they still wanted to be financed. Unfortunately, research findings confirmed that there is no significant influence of a company’s social responsibility on the decision of the credit manager in giving the loan investment. However, this research draws good responses from my lecturers and the financial institutions where I did my research.

English is not my native language. Yet, since I was a child, I always have been familiar with this language. I always had good marks in this lesson. And in order to develop my language skills, I also took some English courses. As I attended my college, I never met any hard obstacles in using textbooks in some subjects that I took.

Being blessed that I can adapt easily in any environment has enabled me to make a lot of friends. As I joined the organization at my college, I found out that I have good interpersonal skills that enabled me, not only to work as an individuals, but also in groups. My experience in organizations and making friends from different backgrounds has taught me that everyone has their own thoughts and minds, and as social human beings, we have to tolerate and appreciate each others. Moreover, my working experience has taught me of how essential the role of teamwork is to contribution to a workplace.

Since I entered college, I already knew of what I would do in the future to come. I have a plan to work as an excellent financial controller or perhaps a skilled-full finance manager, whether in a company or a financial institution one day. Having in mind a future career in finance realized me to make a self-improvement of myself. I also aware of the insufficient knowledge and capabilities I have at the moment. Therefore, I need to enlarge my knowledge and skills by learning finance to build a good foundation about its theory and how to understanding and implementing this in practice.

My interest in studying Banking and Finance in G University has much to do with the discussion I had with my college’s Head of Department as well as with the information I acquired about its excellent program. My aim to work in a field related to finance, somehow contributing to stabilize and boost some economical aspects in my country, Indonesia. Thus, I am convinced that this program will provide me with the necessary theoretical knowledge and practical skills I may need, especially in the field of banking industry. I also believe by attending this program, i could have a better career path in the future than what I could have with my current qualifications.

I hope my qualifications will receive your favorable consideration. I would be very proud and happy if I were allowed to enroll for Master’s Degree in Banking and Finance at your University, so that I could prove you and myself of my motivation to fulfill my goals.

Should you have any further inquiries, please do not hesitate to contact me. I will be happy to meet you at your convenience and provide additional information you may need. I am looking forward to your reply.



Yours faithfully,




AD

[Searching for language]

Should you have any further inquiries, please do not hesitate to contact me. I will be happy to meet you at your convenience and provide additional information you may need. I am looking forward to your reply.



I think in total, your letter is quite good, but too long. The above sentences, for example, would be better condensed to something like this:

I would be happy to meet with you at your convenience, should you require any additional information, and I look forward to your reply.

Could you go through the whole letter and look at condensing it somewhat? Read it over carefully, and figure out where you have either put information in twice, or have just used too many words. Then post it again for help in fine-tuning.

A letter such as this should not be more than one page, or the reader will lose interest.

Ps. I am not a teacher.

[annoth]

Thank you for your advise, i agree with you, the letter was too long, but my lecturer told me it should be two pages, so i made it just like that.

but actually, i've already made the shorter one, hope u could help me again in correcting my words or sentence. and please help me in condensing it, since i always have a difficulty in condensing a sentence.

many thanks!!!


here it is..

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is AD, I was born in Bandung, a city in West Java, Indonesia, in June 13th, 1985. I am a graduate of University of Padjadjaran, Economics Faculty, Accounting Department. I completed my undergraduate study in June 4th, 2007 with an excellent academic performance.

I like being a part of the society and make a lot of friends. Concerned with the surrounding community and environment has encouraged me getting the corporate social responsibility as the topic of my unpublished thesis. As I joined the organization at my college, I found out that I have good interpersonal skills that enabled me, not only to work as an individual, but also in groups. My working experience has also taught me about what good teamwork is and how essential the role of this is to contributing to a workplace.

Experiencing an international education, enlarging my points of views, also, meeting new friends from different cultures and backgrounds, have challenged and encouraged me to continue my study abroad.

Since I entered college, I already knew of what I would do in the future to come. I have a plan to work as an excellent financial controller or perhaps a skilled-full finance manager, whether in a company or a financial institution one day. Having in mind a future career in finance realized me to make a self-improvement of myself. I also aware of the insufficient knowledge and capabilities I have at the moment. Therefore, I need to enlarge my knowledge and skills by learning finance to build a good foundation about its theory and how to understanding and implementing this in practice.

My interest in studying finance in United States has much to do with the discussion I had with my college’s Head of Department and my relatives studying in United States, as well as with the information I acquired from the Internet. Compared with other countries, this country has a lot of reputable university providing an excellent finance program. My aim to work in a field related to finance, somehow contributing to stabilize and boost some economical aspects in my country, Indonesia. Thus, I am convinced learning finance in United States would provide me with the necessary theoretical knowledge and practical skills I need to reach my future career.

I hope my qualifications will receive your favorable consideration. I will be happy to meet you at your convenience, and I look forward to your reply.


Yours faithfully,



AD

[Searching for language]

Originally Posted by annoth

Thank you for your advice, i agree with you, the letter was too long, but my lecturer told me it should be two pages, so I made it just like that.

But actually, I've already made the shorter one, hope you could help me again in correcting my words or sentence. and please help me in conde nsing it, since I always have a difficulty in condensing a sentence.

Many thanks!!!


here it is..

Dear Sir or Madam:

My name is AD, I was born in Bandung, a city in West Java, Indonesia,on June 13th, 1985. I am a graduate of the University of Padjadjaran, Economics Faculty, Accounting Department. I completed my undergraduate study in June, 2007 with an excellent academic performance. Transcripts are available if you require them.

I like being a part of society and I make friends easily. Being concerned with the surrounding community and environment has encouraged me in getting the corporate social responsibility as the topic of my unpublished thesis. As I joined the organization at my college, I found out that I have good interpersonal skills that enabled me not only to work as an individual, but also in groups. My work experience has also taught me about what good teamwork is and how essential the role this is to contributing to a workplace.

Experiencing an international education, enlarging my points of view, meeting new friends from different cultures and backgrounds, have challenged and encouraged me to continue my studies abroad.

Since I entered college, I already knew what I would like to do in the future. I hope to work as an excellent financial controller (comptroller) or perhaps a skillfull finance manager, either in a company or a financial institution one day.

The hope of having a future career in finance has made me aware of the fact that I need to improve both my present knowledge and capabilities. Therefore, I need to concentrate on both of these areas of my education. This will help me to build a good foundation in finance, its theories, and how to implement this knowledge.
Having in mind a future career in finance realized me to make a self-improvement of myself. I also aware of the insufficient knowledge and capabilities I have at the moment. Therefore, I need to enlarge my knowledge and skills by learning finance to build a good foundation about its theory and how to understanding and implementing this in practice.

My interest in studying finance in the United States has much to do with the discussion I had with my college’s Head of Department and my relatives studying in the United States, as well as with the information I acquired from the Internet. Compared with other countries, this country has a lot of reputable universities providing excellent finance programs. My aim is to work in a field related to finance, somehow contributing to stabilize and boost some economical aspects in my country, Indonesia. Thus, I am convinced that studying finance in the United States will provide me with the necessary theoretical knowledge and practical skills I need to reach my future career.

I hope my qualifications will receive your favorable consideration. I will be happy to meet with you at your convenience, and I look forward to your reply.


Yours faithfully,



AD

All in all, I think this is quite well written, I would delete the red, and replace it with the bold above it.

I know that in Canada it is comptroller, but I don't know if that applies to the US. I added the sentence about transcripts being available, I don't know if you want to have that in there, though.


Good luck!