need help with motivation letter

[dark_night]

I tried to do something different and i`m worried if i haven`t overdone.this is not the final version,but i just would like to have it looked through,corrected.Thank You

Kære Hr. eller Fru,
Dear Mr. or Mrs.,

As You can see,I have already started to learn simple Danish phrases and I hope that I will get the best opportunity to learn this language-it is to study in Denmark...I`m sitting already 2hours and have written just one sentence.It is so because I have been trying to write by rules,schemes,try to show my best side without opening myself.I think that free form writing gives more information about person than the writing just with the intention to look good to those who will be deciding your further life.
Honestly,I`m not going to lie-how „since my childhood I wanted to be a manager“ or something like that.I will just say that I attended few activities in my early years,such as ceramics circle,folk and modern dances,sport activities at school.I even read Holy Bible at Church.It is ironic,because now I do not believe in any god.In my opinion,just a man is his own destinys blacksmith and firstly,we should believe in ourselves.When more time have passed,I understood that all these hobbies gave me a lot.I became more persistent,knew how to work in group,support each other.Other thing that might give me a plus,is that I participated in WIESCO Summer English Language Camp at our school.We had lots of activities for two weeks and they improved my English,communication with foreigners,organisation.There were a group of americans and I am still keeping in touch with some of them.I also spent two summer (5month) abroad-in Ireland and England.These summers were very influential to my personality,English language,life understanding. I became more mature,understood value of money,knew what is a real hard work,felt an absolute independence,lived in perfect environment to enrich my English.And most important-figured out what I want to do in my life.As I was working in a guest house in Ireland I thought that I would like to have my own business or work in this kind of sphere and I am stuck to this idea till now.I am already co-owner of a fictional company,because at economics lesson we play a game _________ where a group of pupils have their own company and make decisions of investment, production, marketing and so on.This gives a bit of understanding how the mechanism works and is quite useful for the future,I think.
Well,and now-why I want to study in Denmark.Firstly,I am not satisfied with my countrys educational system,attidute towards learning and studying.For government student here is just a bag of money and not a person with a desire for knowledge.Secondly,it is obvious that I will have bigger perspectives in life if I have foreign scholastic institutions` diploma.This is what i want-wider world,greater opportunities and I am sure that business studies in Denmark can provide this.

[thedaffodils]

Hi! Welcome to the forums.

- I prefer writing it completly in English since this is a formal letter. So I suggest to delete the addressing in Danish.
- You should leave a space between two paragraphs. You put them all together. That make them a bit hard to be read.
- You should put a space after a period, then start another new sentence.
- 'I' should be always capitalised. Please proofread your writing first.
- I prefer choosing formal words for such a letter. Thus, I wouldn't start as 'As you see...' I would simply telll them I've started learning Danish.