[Grammar] Pronoun, Tense usage in sample text

[ghostrider0044]

Hi,

I have posted two sets of sample texts containing minute changes of tense and pronoun. Which one is grammatically correct? Please guide.

(1)
look how the colors of life cascade on your heavenly union
embellish those cherished moments, which the Ranbow's sage
craftsmanship has imprinted and bounded together in memories
with everlasting folds of love


(2)
look how the colors of life cascaded on your heavenly union
and embellished those cherished moments, while Rainbow's sage
craftsmanship imprinted and bounded together those memories in
everlasting folds of love


p.s: Rainbow is the name of a business.

 

[bhaisahab]

Hi,

I have posted two sets of sample texts containing minute changes of tense and pronoun. Which one is grammatically correct? Please guide.

(1)
look how the colors of life cascade on your heavenly union
embellish those cherished moments, which the Ranbow's sage
craftsmanship has imprinted and bounded together in memories
with everlasting folds of love


(2)
look how the colors of life cascaded on your heavenly union
and embellished those cherished moments, while Rainbow's sage
craftsmanship imprinted and bounded together those memories in
everlasting folds of love


p.s: Rainbow is the name of a business.

None of it makes sense.

 

[ghostrider0044]

None of it makes sense.

I am sorry for i forgot to mention the purpose of the text.
This text would be printed on a card affixed to a gift pack containing edited video of the marriage ceremony along with bride/groom album.

Please think of the sample text in this context and guide.

Awaiting your response

 

[5jj]

I doubt if many of us in this forum are capable of producing the flowery language that might be acceptable, or even desirable, in your culture. Sorry.

 

[Rover_KE]

Which one is grammatically correct?

How can they be grammatically correct without any punctuation and only the name of the business capitalised?

Rover

 

[emsr2d2]

And in the first sample text, you have even spelt the name of the company incorrectly. Revise your texts, adding capitalisation and punctuation first. However, I agree with 5jj that the style (the overly flowery language) sounds very unnatural to native speakers.

 

[ghostrider0044]

How can they be grammatically correct without any punctuation and only the name of the business capitalised?

Rover

I have capitalized the first letter and added punctuation to the best of my limited knowledge. Please guide.

(1)
Look, how the colors of life cascade on your heavenly union and
embellish those cherished moments, which the Rainbow's sage
craftsmanship has imprinted and bounded together in memories
with everlasting folds of love.


(2)
Look, how the colors of life cascaded on your heavenly union
and embellished those cherished moments, which Rainbow's sage
craftsmanship has imprinted and bounded together in
everlasting folds of love.

 

[ghostrider0044]

And in the first sample text, you have even spelt the name of the company incorrectly. Revise your texts, adding capitalisation and punctuation first.

Yes, I overlooked that spelling. I've added punctuation and capitalization, Please guide.

I agree with 5jj that the style (the overly flowery language) sounds very unnatural to native speakers.

Marriages around the globe take different forms before the varied ceremonies boil down to the union of man and woman and in some cases w 4 w, m 4 m. So, a lot of it may be unnatural to some. The sample text, which I brought up before this forum and its learned members, would go on a card wishing the newly wed couple.

 

[ghostrider0044]

I doubt if many of us in this forum are capable of producing the flowery language that might be acceptable, or even desirable, in your culture. Sorry.

The flowery language is totally acceptable in my culture. Thank you for taking time out and reviewing my post.