as would be an old abortionist come out to dram a shot of rum

[Coffee Break]

I encountered the sentence "as would be an old abortionist come out to dram a shot of rum ", but am struggling to understand it. Could you please let me know what it means? Here is the excerpt:

Suddenly I wanted to blurt out, “Look, why don’t you go ahead to wherever you’re going, I’ll catch the first train back to the city.” That would have taught her a lesson right there and then. I’d never see her again, never answer the doorbell, never go on drives upstate to rinky-dink luncheonettes where a hungover Captain Haddock is as likely to peep from behind the kitchen curtain as would be an old abortionist come out to dram a shot of rum before whetting his tools on Edy’s broken marble slab by the cash register. Why bother coming this morning, why the ride to God-knows-where, why the simpering Did you think of me last night? when she was telegraphing hands off, now and forever?

- André Aciman, Eight White Nights, Third Night

This is a novel published in the United States of America in 2010. This novel is narrated by the nameless male protagonist. The protagonist meets Clara at a Christmas party in Manhattan. Here, Clara is now driving the protagonist to her friend's house. During the drive, they decide to stop at a luncheonette called Edy's. But the protagonist is upset at Clara's indirect rejection towards the romantic relationship with him, and is considering heading home.

In this part, I wonder what the underlined expression means.
I am having difficulties in parsing this part; as far as I understand, there seem to be two verbs ("would be" and "come out"), so I am confused...

 

[probus]

It's just an exceedingly florid way of saying that the possibililty of such an occurrence is microscopically small.

In the past I've tried to dissuade you from using this book to improve your English. His style of writing is highly eccentric.

 

[SoothingDave]

"Dram" isn't even a verb, yet he writes "to dram." Makes no sense.

 

[Skrej]

I suppose he means it as 'measure out a dram'. Even then, it's an anemic amount of alcohol anyway, roughly equal to 1/8 an ounce, or 1 1/3 teaspoons (3.5 ml). Hardly enough to even flavor a cake, let along bother imbibing. I think the last time I baked cookies I put two or three teaspoons of vanilla in them....

It might be worth noting that the author apparently isn't a native English speaker. Although obviously very fluent in English, perhaps this explains some of his unusual phrasing choices.

From his Wikipedia entry:

Aciman was born in Alexandria, Egypt, the son of Regine and Henri N. Aciman, who owned a knitting factory.[14][15][16][17] His mother was deaf.[18] Aciman was raised in a French-speaking home where family members spoke Italian, Greek, Ladino, and Arabic.[5]

 

[Coffee Break]

@probus, @SoothingDave and @Skrej,

Thank you very much for the explanations.
Actually, I grasped "as...as" in this part as a comparative expression, but about the two verbs ("would be" and "come out to dram"), I am not still sure.
This seems to be an inverted sentence, so if the sentence is returned to the original order, it might be "an old abortionist would be come out to dram a shot of rum", so I am confused.

And I learned that "dram" is not a verb all thanks to you! so "come out to dram" might mean "come outside, in order to measure out a dram/ to calculate the amount of dram".

In the past I've tried to dissuade you from using this book to improve your English.

Yes, I remember. Thank you very much for your advice. But sadly, I am afraid that I have to read it anyways, because it is a mandatory read...

From his Wikipedia entry:

Oh, so that explains a number of German, Italian, French expressions in this novel!

I learned many things all thanks to you. I sincerely appreciate your help, as always.

 

[emsr2d2]

But sadly, I am afraid that I have to read it anyways, because it is a mandatory read...

Is this part of your curriculum and coursework?

 

[Coffee Break]

@emsr2d2,

Thank you for the comment.

Is this part of your curriculum and coursework?

Yes, actually, my teacher appears to be fond of this author...

Thank you sincerely always for helping me understand.

 

[probus]

@probus, @SoothingDave and @Skrej,

But sadly, I am afraid that I have to read it anyways, because it is a mandatory read...

We've encountered that problem before with another South Korean student who had to read something in poor English as part of his curriculum. But the fact that a text has been prescribed cannot change the fact that its English usage is incorrect or unnatural.