[Essay] Can you please correct two things, vocabulary and usage of phrases and sentence

[danghuynh88]

Hi teacher !!!

I am in a process of learning academy vocabulary to memorise them. I was trying to apply those new words into a topic that I made up. I am a self-student who is preparing for an IELTS exam. Would you mind correcting this essay for me please ? I only need to focus on two points, the usage of phrases (gerund, participle...any fragments) and let me know if these words deliver a right message to a reader. I am learning new vocabulary by not looking them up in my language dictionary but in Eng-Eng dictionary. I think by that way would help me to improve my sense of word and my writing skills won't be limited if you know what I meant. These words are

Malevolent, Border, Sinister, Perpetrate, Gestate, Vex, Congregate, Riddle, Malfunction, Pioneer, Abundant, Prey, Extrapolate, Dwindle, Thrive


Shark is one of the most dangerous animal in the world. There are a thousand of species out there in the ocean according to scientist’s researchs. Although with high modern technologies and the development of science nowadays, it’s not difficult for scientists to study about these predators. But there are a lot of mysteries that we never know about these merciless sea creatures.

The realm of shark is spread around the world from North Pacific Ocean to India Ocean. A small amount of their spicie has been migrating to North Pacific Ocean occasionally every year. This malevolent one usually thrives the most in summer from July to September. Scientists use an electronic tracker to attach to shark’s body in order to track and learn about their behaviors. They also extrapolate from datas that sent back from the trackers to figure out their migration and where they congregate the most as long as their numbers in the ocean.

Confronting a white shark in the middle of the ocean probably is not a great experience to have in your life, I would say. If you are a surfer and you are not targeted, they probably just fooling around with you then disappear in the gloom of ocean, they are no more than a buffoon. But once your fell prey to his hunting, the V-shape of its head tapers off to an arrow with a sinister look, at the moment before your body is crunched with two tons of force from its jaw, you are no longer feel a thing before you realize you have become its lunch.

There are many vexing questions about this animal haven’t been solved yet from scientists. Sharks are not as easy as we think, their life is still a big riddle for us to study about. Many of their species is dwindled down for the last few years due to the overfishing for shark’s fin.

In the history of film industry, there were countless number of horror movies about sharks. Beside that we also see sometimes they appear in lots of cartoon movie in a more affable and portly form, bordering on fat, not like those brutal animals usually perpetrate some horrible attack on human being.

Thanks

 

[Tarheel]

There are a couple of ways you can say the first sentence.

1. The shark is one of the most dangerous animals in the world.

2. Sharks are some of the most dangerous animals in the world.

(Actually, there are only a handful of species that are dangerous to humans.)

 

[Tarheel]

Say:

There are thousands of species out there in the ocean according to research scientists.

 

[Tarheel]

Sharks

Perhaps:

With modern technology, it has become easier to study these predators. But there is still much that we don't know about them.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Sharks

It is interesting that you are demonizing sharks by making them more human.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Sharks

Second paragraph.

Perhaps:

The realm of the shark is the entirety of the world's oceans.

 

[danghuynh88]

Re: Sharks

Perhaps:

With modern technology, it has become easier to study these predators. But there is still much that we don't know about them.

I thought we will put a comma after "it has become easier to study these predators", but there is....."

 

[danghuynh88]

Re: Sharks

It is interesting that you are demonizing sharks by making them more human.

The topic is random, I just made it up in order to use those new vocabulary.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Sharks

Perhaps:

Several species have been migrating to the North Pacific, staying there for a few months every year.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Sharks

The singular is datum. The plural is data.

The word "species" is both singular and plural.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Sharks

Say:

Scientists attach electronic trackers to sharks so they track them and learn about their movements.

 

[GoesStation]

Re: Sharks

Say:

Scientists attach electronic trackers to sharks so they can track them and learn about their movements.

Note my amendment above.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Sharks

I thought I SHOULD put a comma after "it has become easier to study these predators", but there is....."

Either way is OK.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Sharks

Perhaps:

They also extrapolate from data they get from the trackers to figure out their migration patterns.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Sharks

Say:

Confronting a great white shark in the middle of the ocean is probably is not a great experience to have in your life.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Sharks

Say:

Once you fall prey to a shark....

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Sharks

Perhaps:

There are many mysteries about sharks. There is much we don't know about them.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Sharks

Try:

Shark fin soup is popular in China. As a result, overfishing and a practice known as "finning" have resulted in reduced numbers of several species of sharks.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Sharks

Say:

In the history of the film industry there have been countless horror movies about sharks.

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Sharks

Finally:

Besides that, there have been numerous cartoons with sharks in them. In those cartoons they are shown in a more affable and portly form, unlike those brutal creatures usually portrayed perpetrating some horrible attack on human beings.