FishClever
Member
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2023
- Member Type
- Student or Learner
- Native Language
- Chinese
- Home Country
- China
- Current Location
- China
Hi, everyone.
I'm a high school student posting this thread (or maybe more in the future) to seek help about how to improve my story-telling skills.
As Main Rules #6. Homework said, this isn't a website for anyone receiving a free article, and that's neither my intention. I'm just thinking about showing words written personally in order to receive any possible advice for chance to improve. So I hope this thread could be acceptable to exist, or at least you can regard it as my diaries - like that hard-working guy, Maybo, who rules the full screen on first page.
In fact, there's another grand, inner reason for my action - Observing the poor qualities in some of my nation's English education, and for students of and below my age, the almost unknown way on how to learn English as quick as native learners (or even half-speed with the same time cost may be amazingly prized as a genius - honestly, one who passed “College English Test-6” normally had already been 19 years old, but a kindergarten graduate can easily make him/her speechless in speaking fluency - like these words nearly cost me 30 minutes for thinking a proper way to express), I suppose there should be a revolution in teaching area, and no matter who will lead it, why it can’t be a person full of will, critical thinking and modesty in accepting opinions, like the one typing these words?
(If detailed explanation in need, I'll just translate some of the articles I support on zhihu.com (a website like Quora))
------
Hmm... Maybe I have driven a little bit far from the topic. I’d like you to have critical eyes to spot anything wrong - not only unfit words, but also structure to be improved, thank you in advance!
So here are the context and my work:
[Context]
When I was in middle school, my social studies teacher asked me to enter a writing contest. I said no without thinking. I did not love writing. My family came from Brazil, so English was only my second language. Writing was so difficult and painful for me that my teacher had allowed me to present my paper on the sinking of the Titanic by acting out a play, where I played all the parts. No one laughed harder than he did.
So, why did he suddenly force me to do something at which I was sure to fail? His reply: "Because I love your stories. If you're willing to apply yourself, I think you have a good shot at this." Encouraged by his words, I agreed to give it a try.
I chose Paul Revere's horse as my subject. Paul Revere was a silversmith (# in Boston who rode a horse at night on April 18, 1775 to Lexington to warn people that British soldiers were coming. My story would come straight from the horse's mouth. Not a brilliant idea, but funny; and unlikely to be anyone else's choice.
What did the horse think, as he sped through the night? Did he get tired? Have doubts? Did he want to quit? I sympathized immediately. I got tired. I had doubts. I wanted to quit. But, like Revere's horse, I kept going. I worked hard. I checked my spelling. I asked my older sister to correct my grammar. I checked out a half dozen books on Paul Revere from the library. I even read a few of them
When I handed in the essay to my teacher, he read it, laughed out loud, and said, "Great. Now, write it again." I wrote it again, and again and again. When I finally finished it, the thought of winning had given way to the enjoyment of writing. If I didn't win, I wouldn't care.
------
What I need is to create a continuation, after the two given sentences:
A few weeks later.when I almost forgot the contest. there came the news. _____
I went to my teacher's office after the award presentation. _____
------
In fact, there may be a “standard” answer, but you can see ... I just don’t believe it can get a full-score:
A few weeks later, when I almost forgot the contest, there came the news. I was informed that I won the first prize in the writing contest and that there would be an award presentation in two days. I was so happy to hear the news that I immediately shared it with my teacher. “I knew you'd win! I am proud of you. You made it!” he said excitedly. Then came the big day. When I was invited to the stage to receive the award, I expressed my thanks to my teacher. I said, “It's you who make me fall in love with writing, my social studies teacher. Without your recognition and guidance, I couldn't have written this article. Again thank you very much!”
I went to my teacher's office after the award presentation. My teacher was waiting for me. Holding my hands he said "Congratulations! You are a good writer, so keep writing." "You know I didn't like writing before, but now I am crazy about it! I will try my best to create good works." I said seriously. Since then, I have written many good works and now I am a famous writer. I owe my success to my social teacher who is a beacon in my life on the road to writing.
------
My work:
A few weeks later, when I almost forgot the contest, there came the news. I won the first prize! Hearing this, I stood still with my mouth widened, not knowing what to put on my face because I had never imagined the winning for a long time. As astonished as I am, all my classmates cast their gaze to rejudge me, and after someone clapping their hands, cheers and applause snowballed into a lasting thunderstorm. I must be wet, for the storm blurred my vision. Later at the award ceremony when holding the firm trophy still in excitement, I couldn’t help thinking of the one who had been firmly supporting me: where is he?
I went to my teacher's office after the award presentation. Entering with that shining trophy, I smiled sincerely to my guide. He got up and smiled back, “Congratulations!” Then, I expressed my heartfelt appreciation and credited this little yet significant achievement to her. But to my surprise - “It’s your own effort having paid for it. And you’ll be better just by believing in yourself.” I nodded and deeply cherished them to heart. Since then I went further and further as a writer, a never ever expected road merely but truly because of his unfailing inspiration and guidance.
------
If you see this, thanks for your patience!
I'm a high school student posting this thread (or maybe more in the future) to seek help about how to improve my story-telling skills.
As Main Rules #6. Homework said, this isn't a website for anyone receiving a free article, and that's neither my intention. I'm just thinking about showing words written personally in order to receive any possible advice for chance to improve. So I hope this thread could be acceptable to exist, or at least you can regard it as my diaries - like that hard-working guy, Maybo, who rules the full screen on first page.
In fact, there's another grand, inner reason for my action - Observing the poor qualities in some of my nation's English education, and for students of and below my age, the almost unknown way on how to learn English as quick as native learners (or even half-speed with the same time cost may be amazingly prized as a genius - honestly, one who passed “College English Test-6” normally had already been 19 years old, but a kindergarten graduate can easily make him/her speechless in speaking fluency - like these words nearly cost me 30 minutes for thinking a proper way to express), I suppose there should be a revolution in teaching area, and no matter who will lead it, why it can’t be a person full of will, critical thinking and modesty in accepting opinions, like the one typing these words?
(If detailed explanation in need, I'll just translate some of the articles I support on zhihu.com (a website like Quora))
------
Hmm... Maybe I have driven a little bit far from the topic. I’d like you to have critical eyes to spot anything wrong - not only unfit words, but also structure to be improved, thank you in advance!
So here are the context and my work:
[Context]
When I was in middle school, my social studies teacher asked me to enter a writing contest. I said no without thinking. I did not love writing. My family came from Brazil, so English was only my second language. Writing was so difficult and painful for me that my teacher had allowed me to present my paper on the sinking of the Titanic by acting out a play, where I played all the parts. No one laughed harder than he did.
So, why did he suddenly force me to do something at which I was sure to fail? His reply: "Because I love your stories. If you're willing to apply yourself, I think you have a good shot at this." Encouraged by his words, I agreed to give it a try.
I chose Paul Revere's horse as my subject. Paul Revere was a silversmith (# in Boston who rode a horse at night on April 18, 1775 to Lexington to warn people that British soldiers were coming. My story would come straight from the horse's mouth. Not a brilliant idea, but funny; and unlikely to be anyone else's choice.
What did the horse think, as he sped through the night? Did he get tired? Have doubts? Did he want to quit? I sympathized immediately. I got tired. I had doubts. I wanted to quit. But, like Revere's horse, I kept going. I worked hard. I checked my spelling. I asked my older sister to correct my grammar. I checked out a half dozen books on Paul Revere from the library. I even read a few of them
When I handed in the essay to my teacher, he read it, laughed out loud, and said, "Great. Now, write it again." I wrote it again, and again and again. When I finally finished it, the thought of winning had given way to the enjoyment of writing. If I didn't win, I wouldn't care.
------
What I need is to create a continuation, after the two given sentences:
A few weeks later.when I almost forgot the contest. there came the news. _____
I went to my teacher's office after the award presentation. _____
------
In fact, there may be a “standard” answer, but you can see ... I just don’t believe it can get a full-score:
A few weeks later, when I almost forgot the contest, there came the news. I was informed that I won the first prize in the writing contest and that there would be an award presentation in two days. I was so happy to hear the news that I immediately shared it with my teacher. “I knew you'd win! I am proud of you. You made it!” he said excitedly. Then came the big day. When I was invited to the stage to receive the award, I expressed my thanks to my teacher. I said, “It's you who make me fall in love with writing, my social studies teacher. Without your recognition and guidance, I couldn't have written this article. Again thank you very much!”
I went to my teacher's office after the award presentation. My teacher was waiting for me. Holding my hands he said "Congratulations! You are a good writer, so keep writing." "You know I didn't like writing before, but now I am crazy about it! I will try my best to create good works." I said seriously. Since then, I have written many good works and now I am a famous writer. I owe my success to my social teacher who is a beacon in my life on the road to writing.
------
My work:
A few weeks later, when I almost forgot the contest, there came the news. I won the first prize! Hearing this, I stood still with my mouth widened, not knowing what to put on my face because I had never imagined the winning for a long time. As astonished as I am, all my classmates cast their gaze to rejudge me, and after someone clapping their hands, cheers and applause snowballed into a lasting thunderstorm. I must be wet, for the storm blurred my vision. Later at the award ceremony when holding the firm trophy still in excitement, I couldn’t help thinking of the one who had been firmly supporting me: where is he?
I went to my teacher's office after the award presentation. Entering with that shining trophy, I smiled sincerely to my guide. He got up and smiled back, “Congratulations!” Then, I expressed my heartfelt appreciation and credited this little yet significant achievement to her. But to my surprise - “It’s your own effort having paid for it. And you’ll be better just by believing in yourself.” I nodded and deeply cherished them to heart. Since then I went further and further as a writer, a never ever expected road merely but truly because of his unfailing inspiration and guidance.
------
If you see this, thanks for your patience!
