[General] Does this metaphor make sense?

[road2a+]

First post here, sorry if I didnt post the whole question as title but this is slightly more complex, please dont hesitate to point me to the right sub section if this is wrong. To put you into context this quote is from a video game that pretends delivering rich and refined writing, while it is my opinion that the overall writing is poor. I am not a native english speaker yet I find a lot of passages pretty hard to read and feel like proper english is not being used.

Following the witnessing of a recent deadly combat scene (less than 10 minutes ago)

''Calisca puts the back of her left hand to her mouth as if to ward away the horror like a poisonous vapor''

Now considering that the horror is visual, does it make sense for the author to compare it to a vapor?

Is ''warding away'' even a thing? I googled it and the only result is ''ward off''

Is it also safe to say that this is unrefined and uncondensed up to a point? 'Put the back of her hand to her mouth' rather than 'veil her mouth' ?

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Re: Does this metasphor make sense?

Edit: Sorry for the mistake in the title. I can't edit.

First post here. Sorry if I didn't post the whole question as the title, but this is slightly more complex. Please don't hesitate to point me to the right sub-section if this is the wrong place. To put you into context, this quote is from a video game that pretends to be delivering rich and refined writing, while it is my opinion that the overall writing is poor. I am not a native English speaker, yet I find a lot of passages pretty hard to read and feel like proper English is not being used.

Following the witnessing of a recent deadly combat scene (less than 10 minutes ago):

''Calisca puts the back of her left hand to her mouth as if to ward away the horror like a poisonous vapor.''

Now, considering that the horror is visual, does it make sense for the author to compare it to a vapor?

It's fine. The author is not comparing horror to vapor (although there's nothing wrong with doing that). The author is describing how Calisca put reacted.

Is ''warding away'' even a thing?

Yes. "Warding off" and "driving away" are more common.

I Googled it and the only result is ''ward off.''

It means the same thing. Google doesn't know everything. Yet.

Is it also safe to say that this is unrefined and uncondensed up to a point?

No. It's fine.

'Put the back of her hand to her mouth' rather than 'veil her mouth' ?

It's fine. Saying "Veil her mouth" isn't natural.

Welcome, Road2a+. I hope that helps.

 

[GoesStation]

Re: Does this metasphor make sense?

Is ''warding away'' even a thing? I googled it and the only result is ''ward off''

Don't use "warding away". As this ngram illustrates, it's practically unknown; Google found only one instance of it in all the books it's indexed published in the last two hundred years.

 

[Rover_KE]

Re: Does this metasphor make sense?

Welcome to the forum, road2a.

Edit: Sorry for the mistake in the title. I can't edit it.

Click on Edit Post, then Go Advanced. Scroll down a bit, and you should be able to edit the title.

 

[jutfrank]

Re: Does this metasphor make sense?

''Calisca puts the back of her left hand to her mouth as if to ward away the horror like a poisonous vapor"

That's not good English. First, ward away is not good. The verb is ward off. Second, ward off is not a good word choice. It usually means 'keep at bay' or 'drive away', (as in ward off evil spirits). You can't ward off horror. What she's trying to do is block out the horrific picture. Third, like is not used correctly. It should be as if it were. Fourthly, I don't particularly like the metaphor of a poisonous vapour, either.

Is ''warding away'' even a thing? I googled it and the only result is ''ward off''

Well, it makes sense but it's not really a word, no. It's probably a confusion of ward off and something else.

Is it also safe to say that this is unrefined and uncondensed up to a point? 'Put the back of her hand to her mouth' rather than 'veil her mouth' ?

I think that's fine. It's clear and describes the image well. I don't know what you mean by "unrefined and uncondensed".

 

[road2a+]

Re: Does this metasphor make sense?

By uncondensed I mean too many words are used. I have a strong feeling that the author tried to boost the word count on purpose to justify his wage. Overall I feel like the video game was a work of greed.

Those games are meant to offer short and rich written dialogue/narrative between action scenes, a bit like a movie, to keep the player interested. They are not meant to compare to a novel.

she could have 'covered her mouth' rather than go the long way of 'putting the back of her left hand to her mouth' and the ''like a poisonous vapor" could have been simply cut out as the game is already bloated with details.

Saying she used the left hand is a useless detail for such a game since the player character does not have animations. One could argue that it makes up for it, but players are expecting the 'show dont tell' rule to be applied.

Also using the back of a hand rather than the front feels like an ineffective method of warding a vapor, she should have used the front of her hand, but that is even uglier writing to me. The author added 'back' to up the word count while also hurting the credibility.

I understand her motion represents surprise, it responds to the surprise. It does not respond to an actual vapor so why even compare it?

I guess the context is missing where overall the writing is padded with filler that detract the attention from the main image the author tries to project.

Another example similar example''his face tenses with his iron bear trap smile, ready to spring'' feels very contradictory to me, if he is smiling then the trap is shut, and already sprang. Or is his mouth open in a 180 degree arc?

Another would be the narrator describing a new character and starting a sentence with ''The next comparison is...'' blatantly annoucing his intention. I think I uninstalled the game at that point. Worst part is it calls itself a mordern classic/masterpiece and the best game in a decade.

By the way I have plenty more examples is there a place where I can post multiple sentences at once? Or should I keep it to separated posts?

 

[Tarheel]

Re: Does this metasphor make sense?

That's too many sentences for one post. It's hard to keep track of what you're saying. Are looking for some kind of a deep message in a video game?

You can say something meaningful without using a ton of words.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Re: Does this metasphor make sense?

It's just a video game. Who cares how good the writing is or whether the writer is being paid by the word?

We agree that it's bad writing. Is that all you wanted to know? If you have a question about English, this is a good place to ask it.

 

[GoesStation]

Re: Does this metasphor make sense?

Some video games have production budgets comparable with those of big-budget Hollywood films, and production standards to match. I'm not a gamer, but I wouldn't dismiss games as not being worth discussion.

 

[Rover_KE]

Re: Does this metasphor make sense?

... is there a place where I can post multiple sentences at once? Or should I keep it to separated posts?

Post only one sentence at a time, and wait for each to be answered before posting the next.

Thank you.

 

[jutfrank]

Re: Does this metasphor make sense?

Which game is it? I'm curious to know now.

It seems that you're annoyed that the writing didn't meet your expectations, but you're saying that your high expectations were based on claims made by the game's own production team? Maybe you could try reading some impartial reviews before your next purchase!

(If you have more questions about use of English, we'll be happy to help.)

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Re: Does this metasphor make sense?

Some video games have production budgets comparable with those of big-budget Hollywood films, and production standards to match. I'm not a gamer, but I wouldn't dismiss games as not being worth discussion.

Yeah, they have big budgets. I know a video game designer who makes a lot of money, as you say. But their target market is folks who really don't care about the quality of the writing, so editors and proofreaders as we know them (if they're hired at all) are nowhere near his pay grade - as our poster has noticed.

But having said that, yes, you're absolutely right.

Just keeping an eye on the prize, though, I'm still wondering whether we've managed to shed much light on the question.

 

[Tdol]

Re: Does this metasphor make sense?

It's probably a confusion of ward off and something else.

Waft?

 

[road2a+]

Re: Does this metasphor make sense?

Which game is it? I'm curious to know now.

It seems that you're annoyed that the writing didn't meet your expectations, but you're saying that your high expectations were based on claims made by the game's own production team? Maybe you could try reading some impartial reviews before your next purchase!

(If you have more questions about use of English, we'll be happy to help.)

Its Pillars of Eternity a game released in 2015 with a 4 million dollar kickstarter budget. It wanted to live up to the classics like the Baldur's Gate series released about 20 years earlier. Overall I feel like the writer added too much out of fear of disappointing the fans, but too much is just like too little.