Instead of remaining a citizen of China, I willingly became an
I intended to come to America to earn a living.
The Western styled buildings are lofty; but I have not the
luck to live in them.
How was anyone to know that my dwelling place would be a
i need help re-wording these sentences....but remember this is a poem
It doesn't need much rewording at all. It's good.
Originally Posted by pahal98713
If it were my poem, I'd rearrange the lines as above.
Putting single words on a new line can be an effective technique in introducing a surprise, or an unexpected change of theme. But finishing a line with 'a' and 'an' signals your strategy, and makes the effective seem a bit forced. (In my opinion). I'd at least put the article on the next line with 'ox' and 'prison'.
I'd like to read more of your poems.
PS: You might like to post them on the Poetry, Prose & Songs forum.
Last edited by Raymott; 17-Jan-2010 at 07:20.
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