Personal statement

Hi everyone,
I am going to send this Personal statement to university to study there and I would like to konw it is good to send it or it needs to improve.

could you help me to improve it



Personal statement
(I hope to accept me to study international foundation year in bolton university. First of all, my name is ..............., I am 21 years old. I finished my high school 4 years ago and I got 80% in total. After that, I studied in Saudi Accounting Bank for 2 years ,and the subject was insurance . I came in the United Kingdom since july I studied English since October in Oxford for 6 month after that I have been in Manchester for 7 month and I am studying in INTO Manchester until December and I have got 5 in IELTS.)

Many thanks

Quote:

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Originally Posted by abdulaziz90

Hi everyone,
I am going to send this Personal Statement to a university to apply to study there and I would like to know if it is good enough to send it or if it needs to be improved.

Could you help me to improve it?



Personal Statement

(I hope to accept me to study international foundation year in bolton university. First of all, my name is ..............., I am 21 years old. I finished my high school 4 years ago and I got 80% in total. After that, I studied in Saudi Accounting Bank for 2 years ,and the subject was insurance . I came in the United Kingdom since july I studied English since October in Oxford for 6 month after that I have been in Manchester for 7 month and I am studying in INTO Manchester until December and I have got 5 in IELTS.)

Many thanks

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1) I have made corrections to your initial paragraphs in red.

2) In your actual Personal Statement, I have marked in red each error, whether it is with spelling, grammar or punctuation.

3) Below these comments, I have written a suggested improved version. Please do not simply copy it and use it. Please read it carefully and see where the differences are. I have no idea what Bolton University require from a Personal Statement. Yours seems a little heavy on your actual qualifications and rather light on your reasons for wishing to study specifically at Bolton University and why you particularly want to do the International Foundation course.

Personal Statement

My name is ......, I am 21 years old and I am hope to be accepted on the International Foundation course at Bolton University.

I completed high school four years ago, with a score of 80%. After that, I studied insurance at the Saudi Accounting Bank for two years.

I came to the United Kingdom in July 2010. I studied English in Oxford for six months from October 2010 until April 2011. I then moved to Manchester where I have been studying for seven months. I am due to continue studying at INTO Manchester until December 2011. I gained a 5 in IELTS at (place) in (month/year).

Many thanks ;-)

You're welcome. Do you understand what is wrong with all the bits I changed to red in your version of the statement?