a translated poem

[easybreakable]

I have translated a poem into the English language, posted it in the forum related to literature and had no response, I need a review from a native speaker, if any is interested please let me know and I will post it here.

 

[5jj]

I have translated a poem into the English language, posted it in the forum related to literature and had no response, I need a review from a native speaker, if any is interested please let me know and I will post it here.

Teachers come to this forum expecting, and wanting, to deal with language enquiries. Many will be happy to correct the language, though that is not always easy with poetry. However, if it is literary criticism you want, then I am afraid you will have to wait in the other forum.

 

[easybreakable]

No, I'm not seeking for a literary criticism, I just need someone to review for me the use of the language (Grammars and word choice) that is all.

 

[5jj]

Then try posting it here and see what response you receive.

 

[easybreakable]

"The Traveling Eid"


Prepared was
the lifetime,
to travel
like a rose
in a garden, forgotten.


The Eid,
gathered
his things
and gone
in the presence
of my broken laughs.


And there is no pleasure
to restore
for my confused evenings,
their beautiful calm, the far one.


Grief
possess me.
refusing
amity of the morning's pigeons.


When I was a little girl,
my only doll
lost.
Ever since, long time ago
my dear things
getting lost,
one following the other.​

 

[5jj]

The Eid,
gathered
his things
and gone1
in the presence
of my broken laughs.


And there is no pleasure
to restore
for my confused evenings,
their beautiful calm, the far one2.


Grief
possess3 me.
refusing
amity of the morning's pigeons.


When I was a little girl,
my only doll
lost4.
Ever since, long time ago
my dear things
5getting lost,
one following the other.​

As I said initially, it is difficult to 'correct' poetry, because we do not always know what effect the writer wished to produce in his/her use or deliberate misuse of language. However, here are some thoughts on things I have numbered in your work:

1. and was gone? and went?
2. I am not sure who or what the far one refers to. Perhaps you are saying that no pleasure can restore the far one, whoever that might be? If so, I can't see how their beautiful calm fits in.
3. Are you asking Grief to possess you:tick:, or saying that Grief possesses you?
4. was lost?
5. are getting lost?

I hope that helps, but I'm not sure that it does.

 

[easybreakable]

2. I am not sure who or what the far one refers to. Perhaps you are saying that no pleasure can restore the far one, whoever that might be? If so, I can't see how their beautiful calm fits in.

And there is no pleasure
to restore
for my confused evenings,
their beautiful calm, the far one2.

*** I have doubts about this stanza and would like to make sure that there are no flaws here... "the far one" refers to "the beautiful calm" :?::?:

 

[5jj]

And there is no pleasure
to restore
for my confused evenings,
their beautiful calm, the far one2.

*** I have doubts about this stanza and would like to make sure that there are no flaws here... "the far one" refers to "the beautiful calm" :?::?:

It's difficult to ensure that there are no flaws -this is a poem, after all. If I wanted to be absolutely clear, I would write something like. "And no pleasure can (or,' There is no pleasure that can') restore to my confused evenings their beautiful calm, that distant hope/dream." However, that's not poetry!

 

[Raymott]

"The Traveling Eid"​

Destined was
my lifetime,
to wander
like a rose
in a garden, forgotten.​

The Eid,
gathered
his things
and departed
in the presence
of my broken laughs.​

And there is no pleasure
to restore
for my confused evenings,
their far off, beautiful calm.​

Grief
possesses me,
refusing the amity
of the morning's pigeons.​

When I was a little girl,
my only doll
was lost.
Ever since a long time ago:
my dear things
getting lost,

one following the other.​

This might help.
I don't get the first line. What I wrote is a pure guess.
Roses don't travel. Also what does "Prepared was the lifetime" mean? Do you mean the lifetime was predestined, fated. Whose lifetime?
As you see, I've made some assumptions.

 

[easybreakable]

I've made some assumptions.

And your assumptions are so true, this is the second poem you help me with, obviously you grasped the meaning, a great contribution you offer for this site, thanks a million. :up: