An essential and unavoidable part of life is making choices. Although some feel that giving children the freedom to make their own choices..."

[hardyweineberg]

This is my IELTS task 2 essay, and I have a few questions.
An essential and unavoidable part of life is making choices. Although some feel that giving children the freedom to make their own choices in everyday situations can make them self-centred, others and I argue that this is crucial. In this essay, I will examine both ideas as well as my opinion.

According to some, children have an innate tendency to think solely about their own desires, so allowing them to make their own choices can increase the likelihood of them growing up to be self-centred. To support this claim, supporters of this idea point to the fact that when primary school students are given the power to choose what movies the entire class, including them, should watch on special occasions, they usually fail to consider what movies their peers love; if this power is not taken away from them, they may become accustomed to this way of life, eventually growing up to become individuals who are not concerned about what their classmates want.

Others, myself included, however, think that as children can improve their analytical skills by making their own choices, it is crucial that society let them do this. This is not surprising, given that in the process of deciding what food to eat and which clothes to wear, children are evaluating the potential benefits and disadvantages of their decisions, thereby improving their ability to analyse different situations, a skill that can help them not only academically, but also personally. For example, after my father told me to pick which sweater to wear in the rain, I gained an insight into the factors to consider when making such a difficult decision.

In conclusion, some feel that if allowed to make their choices, children can become selfish, but others as well as I argue that it is extremely important for children to be allowed to do this; this is because it enhances their analytical skills.

1) Are "self-centred individuals" and "selfish individuals" synonyms for "individuals who only think about their own wishes"?
2) Is it right to use the word "power" in that context?
3) Should I put a comma before "given that"?
4) Did I use the phrase "in the process of" correctly?
5) Is the last highlighted sentence grammatical? I reduced the first clause.

 

[Tarheel]

Try:

Others argue that it is important that children make their own decisions as much as possible.

 

[Tarheel]

Who is not self-centered?

 

[hardyweineberg]

Who is not self-centered?

I don't think I fully get your question. But I'd say a lot of humanitarians are not.

 

[Tarheel]

Can you get through the day without thinking about yourself?

Every single day you are preoccupied with what you need and want. Who is not self-centered?

I suppose you could argue that yhose who are spoiled when growing up become overly self-centered and inconsiderate of others.

 

[teechar]

An essential and unavoidable part of life is Making choices is an essential and unavoidable part of life is. Although some feel that giving children the freedom to make their own choices in everyday situations can make them self-centred, others and I argue believe that this it is crucial for their personal development. In this essay, I will examine both ideas as well as my opinion.
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You wrote well over 300 words. That’s too long. Aim for a maximum of around 280.

Also, you need clear topic sentences. Use, for example, “On the one hand...” and “On the other hand…” sentences for the topic sentences of your two body paragraphs. Simplify and post below.

 

[hardyweineberg]

Word Count: 279
Making choices is an essential and unavoidable part of life is. Although some feel that giving children the freedom to make their own choices in everyday situations can make them self-centred, I believe that this it is crucial for their personal development.

On the one hand, allowing children to make their own choices can increase the likelihood of them growing up to be self-centred. This is because they have an innate tendency to think solely about their own desires. When primary school students are given the power to choose what movies the entire class, including them, should watch on special occasions, for example, they usually fail to consider what movies their peers love; if this power is not taken away from them, they may become accustomed to this way of life, eventually growing up to become individuals who are not concerned about what their classmates want.

On the other hand, children can improve their analytical skills by making their own choices. In the process of deciding what food to eat and which clothes to wear, children are evaluating the potential benefits and disadvantages of their decisions, thereby improving their ability to analyse different situations, a skill that can help them not only academically, but also personally. For instance, after my father told me to pick which sweater to wear in the rain, I gained an insight into the factors to consider when making such a difficult decision.

In conclusion, some feel that if allowed to make their choices, children can become selfish, but others as well as I argue that it is extremely important for society to let children do this; this is because it enhances their analytical skills.

 

[teechar]

On the one hand, allowing children to make their own choices can increase the likelihood of them growing up to be might appear to promote self-centredness. This is because they have an innate tendency it can encourage them to think solely about their own desires. For example, [ 1] ... they may become accustomed to this way of in life, eventually growing up to become individuals who are not concerned about what their classmates others want or even need.

On the other hand, children can improve their analytical skills by making being allowed to make their own choices. In the process of deciding what food to eat and which clothes to wear, for instance, children are evaluating the potential benefits and disadvantages of their decisions, thereby improving their ability to analyse assess different situations, a skill that can help them not only academically, but also personally. For instance, example, [ 1] .
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[ 1]: Those examples are feeble. Try to think of (much) better ones. Take your time.

 

[hardyweineberg]

[ 1]: Those examples are feeble. Try to think of (much) better ones. Take your time.

For example, some six-year-olds with much freedom wear shirts with vulgar words written on them to church, not caring about the fact that such shirts almost always makes church members uncomfortable.

At the age of six, for example, after my father let me decide what movie to watch before going to bed, I spent a great deal of time thinking about the pleasure I could get from watching horror movies at night and the unfavourable outcomes such as fearfulness that could result from doing so.

 

[emsr2d2]

For example, some six-year-olds with much a lot of freedom wear shirts with vulgar words written on them to church, not caring about the fact that such shirts almost always makes make church members uncomfortable.

Here's another example - At the age of six, for example, after my father let me decide what movie to watch before going to bed, I spent a great deal of time thinking about the pleasure I could get from watching horror movies at night and but also [about] the unfavourable outcomes such as fearfulness that could result from doing so.

 

[teechar]

The first example is usable, but the second one is not, especially not in the second body paragraph! Try again.

 

[emsr2d2]

I took the second example to refer to paragraph 2 in post 8.

 

[hardyweineberg]

The first example is usable, but the second one is not, especially not in the second body paragraph! Try again.

For example, when given the power to decide to eat junk food or vegetables for breakfast, some children are forced to consider how their choice of food can influence their health in the future.

 

[Tarheel]

**the power to decide whether to eat X or Y

(I want to meet those Nigerian kids. )

 

[emsr2d2]

For example, when given the power to decide whether to eat junk food or vegetables for breakfast, some children are forced to consider how their choice of food can might influence their health in the future.

 

[teechar]

No. That's still not a good example. In fact, I would say that if given the choice, most children would choose junk/unhealthy foods! Perhaps you don't need another example in the second paragraph. Put the essay (as it is) together and post it below.

 

[hardyweineberg]

Making choices is an essential and unavoidable part of life. Although some feel that giving children the freedom to make their own choices in everyday situations can make them self-centred, I believe that this it is crucial for their personal development.

On the one hand, allowing children to make their own choices might appear to promote self-centredness. This is because it can encourage them to think solely about their own desires. For example, some six-year-olds with a lot of freedom wear shirts with vulgar words written on them to church, not caring about the fact that such shirts almost always make church members uncomfortable; if this freedom is not taken away from them at an early stage, they may become accustomed to this in life, eventually growing up to become individuals who are not concerned about what others want or even need.

On the other hand, children can improve their analytical skills by being allowed to make their own choices. In the process of deciding what food to eat and which clothes to wear, for instance, children are evaluating the potential benefits and disadvantages of their decisions, thereby improving their ability to assess different situations, a skill that can help them not only academically, but also personally.

In conclusion, some feel that if allowed to make their own choices, children can become selfish, but others as well as I think that it is extremely important for society to let children do this; this is because it enhances their analytical skills.

 

[teechar]

Making choices is an essential and unavoidable part of life. Although some feel that giving children the freedom to make their own choices in everyday situations can make them self-centred, I believe that this it is crucial for their personal development.

On the one hand, allowing children to make their own choices might appear to promote self-centredness. This is because it can encourage them to think solely about their own desires. For example, some six-year-olds with a lot of freedom wear shirts with vulgar words written on them to church, not caring about the fact that such shirts almost always make church members uncomfortable; if this freedom is not taken away from them at an early stage, they may become accustomed to this later in life, eventually growing up to become individuals who are not concerned about what others want or even need.

On the other hand, children can improve their analytical skills by being allowed to make their own choices. In the process of deciding what food to eat and which clothes to wear, for instance, children are evaluating the potential benefits and disadvantages of their decisions, thereby improving their ability to assess different situations, a skill that can help them not only academically, but also personally. [ 1] Moreover, they need to realize that decisions can sometimes have unintended or detrimental consequences, and part of normal development is knowing how to deal with that.

In conclusion, some feel that if allowed to make their own choices, children can become selfish, but others as well I disagree as I think that it is extremely important for society to let children learn how to make decisions. do this; This is because it enhances their analytical skills and is crucial for their character development.
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[ 1]: I added that because this is the paragraph outlining your stance/position. It should not be shorter than the one that deals with the opposing view.