Please note my corrections (in red) and comments (in blue) above. As you should have seen when you read the forum rules, we don't help with any homework or assignments. You need to write the paragraph yourself and submit it to your teacher/tutor so that he/she can see where your strengths and weaknesses lie. When you get your piece back, you can come back to us if there are any comments or corrections you don't understand and your teacher can't explain them.