Mary flicked off the lights

[alpacinou]

Is this correct and natural?

Mary flicked off the lights and sank into her bed. She tossed and tuned. Here we go again. She'd been unable to cross the border between sleep and wakefulness. She woke to the sound of her three-year-old son screaming in the depths of the night. Getting up, she sat on the bed with her legs curled beneath her and buried her face in her hands, sighing deeply. It's gonna be another long night. I should've used contraceptives. Her stomach churned as George's screams tore the silence of the night. What do you want now? Stumbling to his cradle, she lifted him and sniffed. The stench of his diapers stung her nose and she recoiled from her son like a cat disgusted by rotten food. Putting George back in his crib, Mary sprawled out on her bed. She felt like her son was draining what was left of her youth, her vigor. It's his son too. Where is he now? Gambling another night away with his important buddies?

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Is this correct and natural?

Mary flicked off the lights and sank into her bed. She tossed and turned. Here we go again. She'd been unable to cross the border between sleep and wakefulness. She woke to the sound of her three-year-old son screaming[STRIKE] in the depths of the night[/STRIKE]. Getting up, she sat on the bed with her legs curled beneath her and buried her face in her hands, sighing deeply. It's gonna be another long night. I should've used contraceptives. Her stomach churned as George's screams tore the silence[STRIKE] of the night[/STRIKE]. What do you want now? Stumbling to his cradle, she lifted him and sniffed. The stench of his diapers stung her nose and she recoiled from her son like a cat disgusted by rotten food. Putting George back in his crib, Mary sprawled out on her bed. She felt like her son was draining what was left of her youth, her vigor. It's his son too. Where is he now? Gambling another night away with his important buddies?

Good, natural handling of English, good story progression. My one little creative-writing quibble: The first sentence implies clearly that it's night. There's no need to hammer us with it.

PS - Most of my cats have been very interested in rotten food. Blechh!

 

[emsr2d2]

I'd say she had failed to cross the border between "wakefulness and sleep" (word order). She's currently awake and trying to go to sleep, not the other way round. Your order suggests she's having trouble waking up, not falling asleep.

 

[Tdol]

PS - Most of my cats have been very interested in rotten food. Blechh!

I can wayyyyy out-bleccch that. My wife and I visited a hospital in a country in SE Asia where burning waste, including medical waste, is banned. The alley cats knew which days were surgery days.

 

[jutfrank]

Brings a whole new meaning to the idiom the cat's got your tongue.

 

[Tdol]

If they're going to take my appendix out, I can't see a problem with a very hungry cat getting it. ;-)

 

[emsr2d2]

If they're going to take my appendix out, I can't see a problem with a very hungry cat getting it. ;-)

They'll still be pretty hungry after that - your appendix is only 5-10cm long and very thin. (Of course, I mean one's appendix - I don't specifically happen to know the size of Tdol's!)

 

[alpacinou]

There goes my appetite for tonight.

 

[jutfrank]

I'm sure Tdol's appendix is delicious, but I'm equally sure my cat would give it a single sniff, turn her nose up, and walk away thoroughly unimpressed.

 

[emsr2d2]

I'm sure Tdol's appendix is delicious, but I'm equally sure my cat would give it a single sniff, turn her nose up, and walk away thoroughly unimpressed.

Fussy, is she? :lol:

 

[jutfrank]

Fussy, is she? :lol:

You could say that. I'm running out of things to try to treat her to. Tdol's appendix now seems like not such a bad idea.