[General] What is wrong with this "thank you note"? I strongly feel its wrong

[wannabelean]

We would like to thank you for being our privileged customer and giving us an opportunity to serve you. We owe our success to you and assure to offer you our best of services. We once again thank you for your valued patronage.

The above is text suggested to us by one of the graphic designers who is designing a thank you note for us. I'm unable to tell what is wrong in it grammatically but feel its wrong and does not feel right. Clearly using thank you twice is one. What are the others?

Also what term should I use to tell the creator that thank you is repetitive? The creator took offense that I did not like the text and that it was insinuating.

Thanks!

 

[SoothingDave]

"Insinuating" is not the right word.

I agree that there is no need to repeat thanks given a mere sentence before.

I would change "an opportunity" to "the opportunity."

The second sentence is less clear. What are you "assuring" them of? You don't "assure to offer." Perhaps "We owe our success to you and will always provide you with our best service(s)."

(I don't know if you offer a service or various services.)

 

[billmcd]

[STRIKE]We would like [/STRIKE] This is to thank you for being our [STRIKE]privileged [/STRIKE] valued customer ( the only one? if not, it should be "one of our etc.") and giving us [STRIKE]an[/STRIKE] the opportunity and pleasure to serve you. We owe our success to you (OR "to customers like you") and assure you that we will continue to offer you our best of services. [STRIKE]We[/STRIKE] Once again, thank you for your valued patronage.

The above is text suggested to us by one of the graphic designers who is designing a thank you note for us. I'm unable to tell what is wrong in it grammatically but feel its wrong and does not feel right. Clearly using thank you twice is one. What are the others?

Also what term should I use to tell the creator that thank you is repetitive? The creator took offense that I did not like the text and that it was insinuating.('insulting"?)

Thanks!

I don't see anything wrong with including a second 'thank you'.

 

[wannabelean]

Sorry yes that was "insulting". We are a service company and offer only type of service. For some reason, I feel the second thank you is repetitive in wrong. If my memory serves me right I was taught as a kid that you shouldn't use the same phrase and meaning repeatedly.

 

[5jj]

If my memory serves me right I was taught as a kid that you shouldn't use the same phrase and meaning repeatedly.

Fine, but twice is not really 'repeatedly'. I agree with Bill that a second 'thank you' is not wrong in your letter. With 'once again', it is emphasising the depth of of your feeling.

 

[BrunaBC]

Hi,

If I may, I'd like to ask a question.

The part 'offer you our best of services' shouldn't it be 'our best services'? Could you please tell me what is the function of the preposition of here?

Thank you.

 

[SoothingDave]

Hi,

If I may, I'd like to ask a question.

The part 'offer you our best of services' shouldn't it be 'our best services'?

Yes, that is how I edited it.

 

[BrunaBC]

Oh, thanks SoothingDave, I haven't noticed your editing that part.

I was reading billmcd points and he/she didn't say anything about it, so I assumed it was supposed to be right.

 

[SoothingDave]

You could say "the best of our services."

 

[Englishholic]

hey,
BrunaBc... I think that there could be a difference between the two forms....I could get 'Our best services' as 'all of our services are the best' as for ' the best of our services'= our services are good but some of which are even better'

 

[Englishholic]

We would like to thank you for being our privileged customer and giving us the opportunity to serve you.
We owe our success to you and assure to offer our best of services. [STRIKE]We once again thank you for your valued patronage[/STRIKE].

(The above is a text/the above-mentioned text/the text mentioned above) is text suggested [STRIKE]to us[/STRIKE] by one of the graphic designers who is designing a thank-you note for us. I'm unable to tell what is (wrong 'with' instead of 'in' here is better) " I think It's wrong" [STRIKE]I feel Its wrong"[/STRIKE]....hope this helps!!!

 

[konungursvia]

Yes, our best of services was, to me, the only thing that was wrong.

You could say "the best of our services."

 

[wannabelean]

Thanks guys!